I can’t tell my mother that I’m drowning

Almost 2 weeks on and I still have the remnants of this ‘flu from hell’ that won’t piss off and let me get on with my non-life. I’ve never been hit by a virus like this nor has it ever taken me this long to recover. I still have a wheezy cough and every time I do the slightest bit of exercise, I end up feeling sick and exhausted. I don’t need this shit right now, not on top of my mental health issues. Clearly my once strong immune system has taken a battering over the last few years, as I rarely ever got sick and never got sick like this.

I was supposed to meet my mum this afternoon at the local council offices, but I had to cancel on her as I can’t face her or 99.88% of the human population at the moment. They have not sent my Council Tax demand yet and I don’t even know if I’m on the electoral roll. I told her that I couldn’t face anyone today, but she kept asking me if I was alright, but I really can’t talk to her about any of the shit going on in my head. I know she’s expecting me to fail and she’s probably worried that it;ll all fall on her, but it won’t because I’m not going to be here anymore.

She said “Sorry that you’re not happy”, but I couldn’t respond to that as this is far greater than unhappiness….it’s complete loss of hope, hatred of my body, face and voice, inability to function in the outside world, feeling scared every day and wanting to die more than anything else.

I did go out to Asda earlier to buy groceries, but it was very difficult and very draining. My anxiety is as bad as it’s ever been and this wretched flu leaves me with no stamina. I can’t go out at all without earphones and my music on full volume. I only have 2 limited windows of opportunity to go out anyway, even on a weekday due to my ever-worsening fear of children and envy of families and couples that seem to be very difficult to avoid here.

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Weekends are becoming increasingly unbearable

It’s actually harder to go out here than it was in Rochester at weekends, as much as I hate to admit that.  There seems to be a higher percentage of families with children living here and these are the last people I want to have to deal with when I go outside.  I’m an introvert, but being stuck indoors with my mind tormenting me is very, very bad.

I did go out yesterday for 2 hours, but only because I had to meet my mum and my uncle at a nearby pub, which I chose because I figured it’d be the most childfree place to meet up.  Socializing with them was very difficult though, as I wasn’t feeling up to it.  My uncle did most of the talking anyway, so I really didn’t have to say much…I just sat there feeling sad and hopeless.   My depression and anxiety just seem to be getting worse and worse, despite the fact that I do all I can to avoid triggers and trigger situations (people).  I think it’s largely due to the UK-based ghosts pertaining to my childhood and upbringing creeping up on me and dragging me down further and further.  As much as I love my mother, being around her seems to make the ghosts more powerful.  I have no one to talk to about this at all, which is very bad indeed.

I leave in a few weeks.  I’m not going to tell you where I’m going, because I’m not planning on coming back.  I don’t belong in this world, society has flat-out rejected me and has banished me to the proverbial scrapheap, usually reserved for single and lonely people older than I am.  There isn’t a part of me that wants to be here either and the only reason I’m still here is because I’m a coward, but that has to end next month.  I can’t live or function in this complicated world as I don’t possess the required attributes.  I’m not smart, competitive, good looking or even that young anymore.  I don’t like the way the world is going, particularly here n the UK (Brexit) and in the US, where I spent most of my adult life.  I hope and pray that it will all be over soon, at least for me.  I don’t give a shit what happens to the human race after I’m gone.

I wish I felt safe to go out, but I’m too hideous looking and I’m too afraid of children and families with children, plus I resent them for living the kind of life that I was denied from day one.  This awful, wretched envy inside me is another reason why I need to die.  It is becoming increasingly toxic and is turning me into a very hateful ‘thing’.

I’m really struggling to put this all into words and I feel that I’ve rambled enough as it is.   I wish I had someone to actually talk to, even if that person was a therapist paid to listen to my crap.  Now all I have is a head full of pain and nowhere to go with it.

I hate hate hate hate hate weekends.

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Reopened wounds, present failure

If you exclude the 3 week period that I had to return to the US to get the rest of my stuff and tie up loose ends, I’ve been here 4 months now.  In that time, I’ve applied for a lot of jobs online, even though I know deep down that I’m probably not capable of holding down a full time job.  In that time, I’ve not had even the slightest inclination of interest, not even from recruitment agencies that often call you into their office just for the recruiter to earn a bit of commission.  In fact, I’ve hardly even had any rejections, except for the odd semi-automated looking rejection email telling me that I wasn’t selected.

The jobs I’d applied for were all in the accounting field, which is all I know and I would not be comfortable with trying something new or capable of doing so.  It upsets me when I have tried to explain to my mum that not having a degree has ended up hurting me, because the truth is that it has and if I had a degree, I would probably be at least semi-employable and able to apply for jobs that might even be more suitable as they’d be higher level and perhaps more ‘number crunching’ based.  Both of my 2 younger half brothers have degrees and successful careers, so I wonder if she applies that same logic to them, but I suspect not.  I hate them for having the chances in life that were denied to me and I’m pretty sure they are just as aware of the favoritism that benefited them as I am, but they choose to pretend that I don’t exist.

Coming back here has opened up a very old wound that I wish it hadn’t done, but the difference is that unlike Rochester, I have no therapist to help guide me through this and no outlet at all aside from this stupid blog that no one reads.  It’s obvious now that I’m not going to ever get a job, because there’s nothing in my power that I can do right now to make myself less unemployable.  I’m a relic and my short stint in the mainstream ended when my marriage ended and I gave into this ‘transgender curse’ and got pushed to the very outer fringes of society as a result.  I don’t have any kind of support here, I’m just alone, as I was in Rochester and realizing now that it wasn’t the place….it was me all along..  It doesn’t matter where I go on this planet, I will never fit in.  The problem here and now is that I’m also drowning in pain from the past, due to old wounds being reopened.  The honeymoon period of change has passed and I’m just as terrified out there as I was in Rochester, which means that I’ve failed and have sabotaged myself by removing myself from the care that I was receiving there.  I thought I could come back here, fit in somewhere and maybe even find at ;east a temporary or part-time job that I’d be able to do, but all I’ve found is the same level social isolation and fear of people that I’d hoped to leave behind.

I’m not going to make it.  I am a failure.

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Trapped alone in a world that I fear and a body that I hate

I’m over the worst of the flu, but my mental health continues to slowly deteriorate. The clock is ticking away and failure is imminent. I am unable to face the world and I’m hopelessly out of my depth and completely lost. Even if it were practically feasible for me to continue hiding from the world like this indefinitely, I would not be able to continue to handle the torrent inside my head or the intense loneliness that comes from a lifetime of never fitting in anywhere, not even among other marginalised people.

My anxiety and dysphoria-driven self-hatred make it hard for me to even do the bare minimum without requiring an exponential amount of energy. It’s infinitely draining to have to go out and constantly feel scared and on guard, while you simultaneously hate yourself and your appearance, knowing that everyone else most likely sees you the same awful way you see yourself.

I need this all to be over soon. There’s no help for any of this and even if there was, it’s too late. I’ve tried so many different pills and I’ve talked to therapists, counsellors and psychiatrists. My pain has nowhere to go now, no outlet. I don’t even know what to say on this blog most of the time, but I feel like I should stop using it to share the mundane details of my daily existence, because no one cares, neither do I.

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Fucking flu

This isn’t just a cold, it’s flu and a nasty strain of flu at that. I haven’t been this ill since 2006, when I was living in Miami at the time and at least it wasn’t a struggle to keep warm. I’m useless at self-care, but I was married then and I recovered from the worst of it relatively quickly. This is the second time in just 3 months that I’ve been struck down with flu, although the flu I had in October wasn’t as bad as this. I used to pride myself on having a tough immune system, but I guess that isn’t the case anymore.. It goes to show that the studies linking poor health and loneliness are valid, as there’s no other explanation as to why I get sick so easily.

I had a dream last night that I was back in Miami and I met up with S. She seemed genuinely pleased to see me, we hugged for ages and I felt safe and relieved to be back with her. Waking up from the dream was extremely painful and it’s still affecting me. I don’t know who or what is tormenting me like this, but I wish they’d stop. Maybe this is meant to be some sort of punishment for how much I failed her.

I’ve had this shitty flu since I got back from Sheffield on Thursday evening and the symptoms have just got worse, My head is still pounding, but I also have an upset stomach and the virus is making my pre-existing chronic pain worse, especially my lower back pain. I can’t sleep much or hold down food and I’m getting frustrated at the fact that I can’t go out. I need to get batteries for the thermometer on my aquarium and I need to get the fish, because someone scared me when they said that the plants would start to die off without fish and would release ammonia, which is poisonous to fish.

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My mum came over yesterday, but I didn’t want her to stay long because I don’t want to pass my germs onto her, I;n supposed to go over there tomorrow to make a phone call with her to this sing point of access mental health service I’ve been referred to, but I don;t think I’m going to be well enough. The last thing I can cope with right now is having to use the phone and talk to a stranger with my wretched ugly voice.

The one positive thing about this illness is that I’ve completely lost my appetite and I have no food cravings, so hopefully I’ll lose some weight. My diet pills came in the mail, so I can start those when the cravings return.

I’m going to get a flu shot as soon as I feel up to going out.. I can’t be getting sick like this again.. It disrupts my routine too much and staying in for more than 3 days puts me at risk of becoming agoraphobic Going out is going to be tough,, due to the assault on my eardrums caused by human-generated noise.

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Chronic pain

Among the things I can no longer live with, chronic pain is right up there with my mental health issues, dysphoria and personal failures. I’ve had lumbar spinal stenosis since my mid 20’s, but it’s got worse and it’s got to the point where I am constantly in pain. My feet ate so fucked up that if I walk more than 2 miles or so, I end up in excruciating pain. I also experience pain in the upper part of my spine and neck, making it impossible to get comfortable in bed.

There’s no point in trying to get help for any of this. They will probably just recommend physical therapy or tell me to just live with it.

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Feeling ugly, old and sick in the ‘Steel City’

I picked up the 2 vintage bikes that I bought on Facebook Marketplace, one from Boston (Lincolnshire) and the other from Sheffield. The one I bought from Boston is 60 years old, while the one I bought in Sheffield was manufactured sometime in the 80’s. I took the older bike to the bike repair shop, as the chain came off while I was cycling it back.

I didn’t stay in Boston long as it was extremely early in the morning and the town and train station had a very weird vibe to it that made me uneasy. I did spend a few hours in Sheffield though, taking pictures and trying to find a decent, quiet place to eat. Sheffield is a decent city, but it was very much geared towards students, which made me feel old and regretful that I could never go to university,.

PHOTOS: Sheffield the ‘Steel City’ – 10-01-19

Mu train back to Grantham didn’t leave until 7:39 pm, but I retreated to the train station to find somewhere warm to sit and wait, as I felt cold and run down. But no matter where I went, I couldn’t keep warm. It wasn’t particularly cold outside temperature wise and it turned out to be the beginnings of some sort of cold / flu that I am still suffering with now. On top of that, my ugly deformed feet were hurting badly as I made the mistake of doing a lot of walking. I honestly wish that as well as losing my hearing, I could have my feet amputated and replaced with prosthetic ones, because I’m tired of living in pain and ruining shoes. The only place in the station I could find that was at least semi-heated was a Burger King and I ended up having to buy food there (and felt fat and disgusting afterwards).

The cold got so much worse when I got back and throughout the night last night. At its worst, my body ached all over and alternated between being way too hot or way too cold and my head has been pounding all day.

Anyway, I now have 6 bikes, with these 2 being the latest additions:

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