TRIGGER WARNING: Suicide, dark thoughts
It’s 2 am and I can’t sleep (surprise). I feel tired, but I have a lot of restless energy and a mind racing with intrusive thoughts. I’m angry at the world and angrier still with myself. The hatred within me that made me explode on social media the other day hasn’t gone away and it’s still festering inside me. There’s no distracting myself from any of these thoughts; my poor attention span won’t allow it and the thoughts are just too loud. To help ‘normal’ people understand, imagine trying to focus on reading a book during a heavy metal concert.
I don’t belong in this world and being here is making me very ill. I was relieved to find that the school holidays ended in this part of Scotland yesterday where I’m currently staying, 2 weeks sooner than in most parts of England. I seized the opportunity and went out on my bike for a while, but I made the mistake of cycling by 2 schools that I didn’t see until it was too late. Even though I had my earphones on (dangerous while riding a bike and actually against the law), I could hear the noise from the school playground and I panicked. I could’ve sworn I heard them laughing at me. I passed another school where I almost found myself right in the path of teenagers on what must’ve been their morning break. Fortunately, I turned around and avoided them.
I decided to buy groceries at the nearby Aldi supermarket, which was full of mothers pushing around their loud babies and small children. The noise alone was too much for me, but they were beautiful women, busy talking to one another before finishing their shopping to return home to their ‘perfect’ lives, at least ‘perfect’ to me because they have what I’ll never have, i.e. what I’m constantly reminded of by seeing people like that and their spawn.
I couldn’t get out of Aldi soon enough as my anxiety and envy were fucking me up inside and I could not hide my sheer discomfort. I made the decision not to drink yesterday and I didn’t buy more alcohol, but I spent much of yesterday in mental anguish, until I eventually calmed down enough to watch some more of Black Mirror. I wrote a long, rambly blog entry about how I related to one particular episode of Black Mirror,, which was of course, ignored just like everything else I do or say, whether offline or in the outside world. I’m not even a good writer and the only blogs on here that seem to get any kind of feedback are ‘recovery’ blogs of people who’ve at least found a way to live with their mental illnesses or developmental disorder. I have little in common with such people.and some of them can be very ‘preachy’ or even judgmental.
But on to my main point….
The envy-borne hatred inside me, my anxiety and my dark intrusive thoughts are really, really becoming problematic. I no longer see most people as human beings, but as triggers and the causes of much of my pain and anxiety. I hate people on the opposite side of the political spectrum, I hate Brexiteers and I hate people who are lucky enough to have partners, children, families that care about them and real friends. I know these thoughts are wrong and I feel very guilty and ashamed for even admitting them, but I have to be honest here. I can’t even go out and derive any pleasure from anything out there, because of these thoughts and feelings, which often become so intense that I become almost completely disassociated and feel nothing but a combination of fear and hatred.
The only two alternatives to suicide that I can possibly think of are:
- Spend the rest of my days in a remote cabin in the wilderness, far away from any human beings and social media, surrounded only by nature and the sounds of nature.
- Living in a truly ‘childfree’ community comprised of mostly single people, where I would at be able to avoid the envy caused by seeing families and the anxiety caused children and teenagers themselves.
- Find someone who sells hard drugs, i.e. heroin, LSD and cocaine and spend the rest of my days getting high, while slowly killing myself (alcohol just isn’t cutting it for me).
- Have myself committed and spend the rest of my days in a mental institution, where my contact with human beings is limited to medical and mental health professionals.
None of the above option are feasible though, but option 3 would be doable if I knew a drug dealer or even had a clue how to find one. Option 4 might’ve been possible 50 years ago, when I could’ve had myself voluntarily committed. Options 1 and 2 are nothing but pipe dreams and fantasies of mine that I try to picture in my head and imagine the sense of relief that I’d feel in either of those situations.
Yesterday, I even thought about the idea of just going to a police station or a hospital and asking them to lock me up because I have urges to hurt people, but that would’ve been a lie, despite my dark, intrusive thoughts. If mental institutions still existed, I would gladly and willingly commit myself and I would stay there until the day I die naturally, as long as they could medicate me to the point that I’d do nothing but sleep through most off the rest of my life. I would have stayed in the psychiatric ward in Edinburgh when I was sectioned 3 weeks ago, but my belongings were 130 miles away , they had trouble getting my hormones and I felt envy towards a couple of people, even in there.
I’m not a danger to others though. It’s not that I lack a sufficient level of hatred towards people, but I hate violence, even fictional / cartoon violence. I don’t want to hurt anyone and I am an empath,, rather than a psychopath or a socippath, which is where I differ from mass shooters, despite having other things in common with them such as obsessive/intrusive thoughts, isolation and loneliness and a history of trauma. They became so lost and so dissociated that they went out and killed lots of innocent people, whereas in my case, that level of dissociation would hopefully allow me to successfully take my own life.
I’m sure this blog entry will get ignored, but I’m getting desperate now and I mean, really fucking desperate. I would do anything to get out of this situation and remove myself from human society, that is turning me into a an extremely bitter and hateful monster. I don’t belong here and I’m not wanted here. I’m sick and tired of living like a leper, forced to watch everyone else experience the things I’ll never have. I know I’ll never belong here and I also know these thoughts and feelings are only going to get more intense, i.e. worse. I need to be gone…..