Almost 2 weeks on and I still have the remnants of this ‘flu from hell’ that won’t piss off and let me get on with my non-life. I’ve never been hit by a virus like this nor has it ever taken me this long to recover. I still have a wheezy cough and every time I do the slightest bit of exercise, I end up feeling sick and exhausted. I don’t need this shit right now, not on top of my mental health issues. Clearly my once strong immune system has taken a battering over the last few years, as I rarely ever got sick and never got sick like this.
I was supposed to meet my mum this afternoon at the local council offices, but I had to cancel on her as I can’t face her or 99.88% of the human population at the moment. They have not sent my Council Tax demand yet and I don’t even know if I’m on the electoral roll. I told her that I couldn’t face anyone today, but she kept asking me if I was alright, but I really can’t talk to her about any of the shit going on in my head. I know she’s expecting me to fail and she’s probably worried that it;ll all fall on her, but it won’t because I’m not going to be here anymore.
She said “Sorry that you’re not happy”, but I couldn’t respond to that as this is far greater than unhappiness….it’s complete loss of hope, hatred of my body, face and voice, inability to function in the outside world, feeling scared every day and wanting to die more than anything else.
I did go out to Asda earlier to buy groceries, but it was very difficult and very draining. My anxiety is as bad as it’s ever been and this wretched flu leaves me with no stamina. I can’t go out at all without earphones and my music on full volume. I only have 2 limited windows of opportunity to go out anyway, even on a weekday due to my ever-worsening fear of children and envy of families and couples that seem to be very difficult to avoid here.