Another dystopian Brexit nightmare

Life won’t ever stop tormenting me, will it?  Sleep should be something I look forward to, but I can’t, because of my nightmares.

The nightmare I had earlier was of a post-Brexit version of Britain.  I was squatting in a filthy flat, but a gang were trying to break in.  I escaped out of one of the windows, but they saw me and pursued me.  No matter how fast I ran through streets and alleyways, I couldn’t lose them.  I found an emergency shelter and banged on the door frantically to let me in until a woman answered the door and said:

“This shelters is only for families with children and couples, as they represent the future, so I can’t let you in.”

She slammed the door in my face.  As I left, I saw people at the windows of the shelter, pointing and laughing at me.  The gang caught up with me and hurdled stones and glass bottles at me, one of which narrowly missed my ugly face.  I ran, but I tripped on a loose pavement slab and fell, cracking my head on the concrete.  The gang caught up with me and were about to knife me, but I lost consciousness from the head injury before that happened and woke up alone as always, in my empty bed with a blinding headache.

Being chased / pursued is a common theme in many of my nightmares.  I seldom ever see the faces of whoever is chasing me though.  Waking up to my living nightmare alone never provides any relief.

I’m terrified of Brexit and sick of being alone and isolated.

Posted in Transgender & Mental Health Issues | Tagged , , , , , , | Leave a comment

One more week in Scotland & 48 hours of sobriety

Despite my intrusive thoughts and restlessness, I’ve been resisting the urge to drink since Tuesday, so it’s been 48 hours.  Since the school holidays have ended, and the weather looks good tomorrow, I’m going on a long bike ride.  I’m finding it really hard to cope though and I can’t switch my brain off.  I finished watching every season / episode of Black Mirror.

I’m really worried about Brexit and returning to England next week to live with K, my ex.  She lives in Runcorn, which is a Grantham sized small town, but it’s close to Liverpool, so II’m hoping it won’t be like Grantham or South Shields, where I was staying before.

As for Brexit, what I’m most afraid of on a personal level is shortages of medical supplies. This article reinforces my worst fears:

Brexit: Health leaders issue new no-deal warning – BBC News

I hope that living with K doesn’t end in disaster, because I can’t go on being alone an isolated like this and I’d actually choose a less than desirable living situation with another human being who I know than living alone.  I do worry that her autism makes it difficult for her to know my triggers and she has a tendency to be blissfully oblivious to the people I fear the most, i.e. children and teenagers and large crowds. Her autism i quite different from mine, in the sense that she’s less anxious, but far more aloof than I am (I’d actually rather be more like her).

Speaking of Brexit, I was tempted to go to a Remain march in Edinburgh today, but I chickened out.  I’m reluctant to go anywhere near Edinburgh at the moment due to the Fringe Festival crowds and I’m not keen on marches that are most likely going to be placid and family oriented, as I’d feel too self-conscious and left out. I’d actually feel less scared to join more ‘colourful’ protests and demonstrations, like those they have in France.

I know I’ll be hitting the vodka again hard over the weekend,, as I fucking hate weekends, so I just want to obliterate my brain and my liver.


Posted in Transgender & Mental Health Issues | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

The truths that I’ve been forced to live by


  • Looks are not only important, but extremely important in today’s image obsessed, superficial society.
  • Money can buy happiness, especially if it involves paying for cosmetic surgery or being able to afford to live somewhere safe.
  • It won’t get better for some of us, only worse.
  • Words such as “love”, “friend” and “friendship” are so overused  and cheapened that they’ve lost all meaning to me.
  • Suicide is not selfish, but expecting someone to go on living when there’s little or no hope of recovery is selfish.
  • Adult friendships are bullshit, unless they were once childhood friends..
  • There isn’t someone out there for everyone, which is why some of us are going to be alone for the rest of our lives.
  • Human beings are inherently selfish or self-absorbed
  • Those who sit on the fence during times of oppression are just as guilty as the oppressors.
  • Loneliness and isolation are not things that we should be coerced into accepting.
  • In many instances, society creates the monsters that go out and do terrible things.
  • Positivity can be just as negative as negativity.
  • Society treats you much better if you’re coupled up or a single parent and better still if you’re married with children.
  • We all depend on external validation of some sorts, even ii it’s minimal and occasional.
  • Recovery from mental illness or addition is close to impossible when you’re totally alone with no support.
  • When you’re marginalised, you see society for what it truly is, which is usually bad.
  • In this shitty era, bad people almost always win.
  • The LGBT community is not a community at all and it’s rife with ageism, transphobia, biphobia and it’s very judgmental when it comes to physical appearance.
  • Socialism isn’t a dirty word.
  • The vast majority of people don’t care what happens to anyone outside of their family or their circle of friends.
  • Chronic loneliness and isolation will drive most people insane.
  • Society has got worse over the last 10-15 years.  People have become more tribal, more self-centered and less empathetic.
  • Social media has contributed to the loneliness crisis.
  • Elderly people have gone from being respected as elders to being dismissed and ignored in our youth-centric society.
  • Assisted dying laws should be inclusive off people suffering from treatment-resistant mental illness.
  • Just because someone’s depressed, it doesn’t mean that they’re any less capable of logical thinking than someone who isn’t depressed.
  • Money isn’t the root of all evil, but capitalism is.
  • Fake friends are worse than enemies, because at least you can depend on your enemies to hate you.
  • Poorly thought out well-meaning comments can do just as much harm as insults.
  • Being blunt and opinionated isn’t always a good thing. Brutal honesty isn’t always the best policy.
  • We all need to fit in somewhere, even if it’s with just one other person.
  • God and religion should never be pushed on people as a substitute for real human connection.
  • Online interactions with others and internet friends are no substitute for real (in person) friends.
Posted in Transgender & Mental Health Issues | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Four (completely infeasible) alternatives to suicide

TRIGGER WARNING: Suicide, dark thoughts

It’s 2 am and I can’t sleep (surprise).  I feel tired, but I have a lot of restless energy and a mind racing with intrusive thoughts.  I’m angry at the world and angrier still with myself.  The hatred within me that made me explode on social media the other day hasn’t gone away and it’s still festering inside me.  There’s no distracting myself from any of these thoughts; my poor attention span won’t allow it and the thoughts are just too loud. To help ‘normal’ people understand, imagine trying to focus on reading a book during a heavy metal concert.

I don’t belong in this world and being here is making me very ill.  I was relieved to find that the school holidays ended in this part of Scotland yesterday where I’m currently staying, 2 weeks sooner than in most parts of England.  I seized the opportunity and went out on my bike for a while, but I made the mistake of cycling by 2 schools that I didn’t see until it was too late.  Even though I had my earphones on (dangerous while riding a bike and actually against the law), I could hear the noise from the school playground and I panicked.  I could’ve sworn I heard them laughing at me.  I passed another school where I almost found myself right in the path of teenagers on what must’ve been their morning break.  Fortunately, I turned around and avoided them.

I decided to buy groceries at the nearby Aldi supermarket, which was full of mothers pushing around their loud babies and small children.  The noise alone was too much for me, but they were beautiful women, busy talking to one another before finishing their shopping to return home to their ‘perfect’ lives, at least ‘perfect’ to me because they have what I’ll never have, i.e. what I’m constantly reminded of by seeing people like that and their spawn.

I couldn’t get out of Aldi soon enough as my anxiety and envy were fucking me up inside and I could not hide my sheer discomfort.  I made the decision not to drink yesterday and I didn’t buy more alcohol, but I spent much of yesterday in mental anguish, until I eventually calmed down enough to watch some more of Black Mirror.  I wrote a long, rambly blog entry about how I related to one particular episode of Black Mirror,, which was of course, ignored just like everything else I do or say, whether offline or in the outside world.  I’m not even a good writer and the only blogs on here that seem to get any kind of feedback are ‘recovery’ blogs of people who’ve at least found a way to live with their mental illnesses or developmental disorder.  I have little in common with such people.and some of them can be very ‘preachy’ or even judgmental.

But on to my main point….

The envy-borne hatred inside me, my anxiety and my dark intrusive thoughts are really, really becoming problematic.  I no longer see most people as human beings, but as triggers and the causes of much of my pain and anxiety.  I hate people on the opposite side of the political spectrum, I hate Brexiteers and I hate people who are lucky enough to have partners, children, families that care about them and real friends.  I know these thoughts are wrong and I feel very guilty and ashamed for even admitting them, but I have to be honest here.  I can’t even go out and derive any pleasure from anything out there, because of these thoughts and feelings, which often become so intense that I become almost completely disassociated and feel nothing but a combination of fear and hatred.

The only two alternatives to suicide that I can possibly think of are:

  1. Spend the rest of my days in a remote cabin in the wilderness, far away from any human beings and social media, surrounded only by nature and the sounds of nature.
  2. Living in a truly ‘childfree’ community comprised of mostly single people, where I would at be able to avoid the envy caused by seeing families and the anxiety caused children and teenagers themselves. 
  3. Find someone who sells hard drugs, i.e. heroin, LSD and cocaine and spend the rest of my days getting high, while slowly killing myself (alcohol just isn’t cutting it for me).
  4. Have myself committed and spend the rest of my days in a mental institution, where my contact with human beings is limited to medical and mental health professionals.

None of the above option are feasible though, but option 3 would be doable if I knew a drug dealer or even had a clue how to find one. Option 4 might’ve been possible 50 years ago, when I could’ve had myself voluntarily committed.  Options 1 and 2 are nothing but pipe dreams and fantasies of mine that I try to picture in my head and imagine the sense of relief that I’d feel in either of those situations.

Yesterday, I even thought about the idea of just going to a police station or a hospital and asking them to lock me up because I have urges to hurt people, but that would’ve been a lie, despite my dark, intrusive thoughts. If mental institutions still existed, I would gladly and willingly commit myself and I would stay there until the day I die naturally, as long as they could medicate me to the point that I’d do nothing but sleep through most off the rest of my life.  I would have stayed in the psychiatric ward in Edinburgh when I was sectioned 3 weeks ago, but my belongings were 130 miles away , they had trouble getting my hormones and I felt envy towards a couple of people, even in there.

I’m not a danger to others though.  It’s not that I lack a sufficient level of hatred towards people, but I hate violence, even fictional / cartoon violence.  I don’t want to hurt anyone and I am an empath,, rather than a psychopath or a socippath, which is where I differ from mass shooters, despite having other things in common with them such as obsessive/intrusive thoughts, isolation and loneliness and a history of trauma.  They became so lost and so dissociated that they went out and killed lots of innocent people, whereas in my case, that level of dissociation would hopefully allow me to successfully take my own life.

I’m sure this blog entry will get ignored, but I’m getting desperate now and I mean, really fucking desperate.  I would do anything to get out of this situation and remove myself from human society, that is turning me into a an extremely bitter and hateful monster.  I don’t belong here and I’m not wanted here.  I’m sick and tired of living like a leper, forced to watch everyone else experience the things I’ll never have.  I know I’ll never belong here and I also know these thoughts and feelings are only going to get more intense, i.e. worse.   I need to be gone…..


Posted in Transgender & Mental Health Issues | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Nosedive (Black Mirror episode)

No, I’m not referring to my life over the past 5 years, but an episode from series 3 of Black Mirror that I watched yesterday on Netflix.  I’ve really gotten into Black Mirror, even though some of the episodes are a but hit and miss.  The episode is set in what I would consider to be a dystopian nightmare from my own perspective; a world in which your socioeconomic status is based on your ‘rating’ gained from social interactions.  It’s set in a future which is an evolution of today’s world of social media and networking, but on steroids.  People are even more ‘fake’ than they are in this era and the world seemed even more ‘plastic’.

The episode looked like it was set somewhere in Southern California and the main character was a woman named Lacie, whose entire existence was based on trying to get her rating up above a certain level in order to climb the socioeconomic ladder.  She did so by forced, fake smile interactions wit strangers.  She was contacted by Naomi, a childhood friend of hers who invited her to her wedding to be her maid off honour..  Naomi looked like a Barbie doll and her personality was equally as plastic.  She reminded me of one of the main reasons why I never fit in, in the United States.  Lacie’s rating took a ‘nosedive’ when her flight was cancelled and she received a lot of negative rating for losing her shit.  She ends up renting a car, which runs out of battery, then ends up hitching a ride with a female trucker named Susan, who has a 1-something rating because she stopped giving a shit about what people think..  Lacie made it to the wedding and ended up getting drunk and telling Naomi exactly what she thought of her, after Naomi had contacted her to say “don’t bother coming, I’ve replaced you”.  The episode ended with Lacie getting arrested and placed in custody.


While ‘Nosedive’ isn’t my favourite episode of Black Mirror, it’s message was the most powerful, from my perspective.  For the last 10 years or so, I’ve been expressing my disdain for this social media and credentials obsessed society that seems more plastic and fake than any other era I’ve lived through.  While it is just science-fiction, it doesn’t seem too far removed from what reality could look like in as little as 10-15 years time.  In the corporate world, people are already expected to have LinkedIn profiles with flashy profile pictures and their credentials listed.  Employers check social media and expect you to have a presence on it.  Your credit rating is more important than at any time during history and the information can be accessed in a matter of seconds.

On a more serious note, one of the reasons for wanting to die that I listed yesterday was my “inability to cope with the complexities of modern life”. I would not be able to compete in today’s workplace, but it goes far beyond just an employment issue.  So many aspects of life have become more complicated thanks to social media and technology.  Example are renting an apartment, dating, renting a car, opening a bank account, or even looking for a room to rent in a shard house.  The internet is a useful resource, but we have become too dependent on it, even for connections with other human beings or getting help for mental health problems.  Most forms are online forms these days and if you have difficulty processing information, it becomes very overwhelming very quickly, because there is too much information on the internet.

Another reason why I can’t cope with life in this era is that it feels like introversion is increasingly being seen as a negative trait, in a world where you’re expected to be extroverted.  During the latter end of my prison sentence in corporate America, I noticed that extroverts were the ones who got further, while introverts were increasingly looked down on or even vilified.  Most of the people in my office were bright, bubbly and outgoing.  I was often asked why I’m so quiet and even made to feel guilty for not being sociable enough.  In Nosedive, both Lacie and Naomi were extremely bubbly and outgoing and able to engage in smalltalk with complete strangers, n order to keep their rating above a certain level.  A society like that would be terrible news for introverts, who would become marginalised, second class citizens, at the bottom of the socioeconomic ladder.

Lastly, we live in what is most likely the most superficial era in human history, also partly thanks to the advent of technology and social media, which has fueled narcissism and focus on physical appearance  (the ‘selfie culture’).  Ugly people like me would also be doomed to failure in a society like that portrayed in Nosedive, as looks would be more important than ever to make a good impression on random strangers.

Nosedive represents a very real dystopian nightmare for me; one that could be close to reality in 10-15 years time.

Posted in Transgender & Mental Health Issues | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Greetings from the scrapheap (being long-term unemployed and unemployable)

One of the reasons for wanting to die that I listed yesterday is ‘long-term unemployment’.  Granted, it’s not in the top 5, but it’s a valid and legitimate reason for wanting out and many suicides have been attributed to long-term unemployment or a sudden and unexpected job loss.  Long-term unemployment makes you feel like a burden and leaves many people feeling excluded from society, due to the stigma and shame and due to poverty, which carries enough shame in itself in society, where money equals status.  I freeze up when people ask me “So what do you do for a living?”, as I have no idea how to answer that question.

I have not worked since the beginning of  January 2015, when I left my job as an Accounting Analyst in Miami, Florida to return to the United kingdom the first time.  Despite a 6 month gap, I held that job down for 7 years and despite my poor social skills and difficulty following instructions, I made that job my own and developed my own systems and procedures.  I won’t pat myself on the back though, because I lucked out with that company, at least for the first 6-7 years or so, before the massive societal change occurred sometime in the late 00’s to early 10’s.  With the advent of social media and with employers become far more ‘credentials’ focused, employees became far more competitive and I began to feel like I could no longer survive in this new ‘culture’.  Terms such as ‘networking’ became a thing and when I was looking for a new job, I found that many employers were asking for credit scores and LinkedIn profiles; something I was not comfortable with.

In 2011, many of the people who had been with the company for years, prior to when it was still based in Atlanta left and  they were replaced by extremely young, extremely competitive ‘beautiful people’, even in the accounting department when they brought in a new girl for a role that they’d created, which included taking some responsibilities away from me.  She was a new graduate and a corporate kiss-ass and we never got along.  They made me train her and that’s when the problem began for me, because I was terrible at it due to my poor communication skills and anxiety.  At the time, my marriage was falling apart and with the new pressures from work, my drinking went from a couple of glasses of wine a night to a bottle of wine and several beers.  The Financial Controller never liked me, but she really started to crack down on me in the last 3 years of my time at that company..  I suffer from misophonia, hyperhidrosis and spinal stenosis, so I often had to escape to the bathroom due to the sensory overload from the noise in that open plan office and back / leg pain.  The sweating from hyperhidrosis became extremely problematic too and was another reason why I needed to retreat to the bathroom.

Needless to say, my depression got worse, my marriage ended when I finally came out as transgender and I completely fell apart, often breaking down int he middle of the office and spending more time in the bathroom because I just couldn’t be there.  I’ll give them credit for supporting me when I came out as transgender, but while management were on my side, many of my coworkers saw it as a joke and continued to refer to me by my old name, without even trying to use my correct name.  The Accounting Supervisor was forced by the Controller to reprimand me for my tardiness and for my time in the bathroom.  I got 2 verbal warnings and a written warning.  I don’t blame him, because he was just doing his job.  He tried to talk to me many times, even when I came into work one morning having cut my arms with a razor a few hours earlier.  In my final 3 months, it reached the stage where I would go into work and just sit and stare at my screen, opening and closing various spreadsheets.  I couldn’t focus for more than a few seconds, because my brain was so scrambled.  I was still living with my ex-wife in a 1 bedroom apartment in Coral Gables at the time and that in itself was unbearable, because of the tension between us and she was probe to ‘exploding’ with rage, with terrible consequences (I blame myself for this).

I handed in my notice 1 month before I returned to the UK.  They wanted me to train my replacement, but I found that almost impossible.  Had I not left of my own accord, I would’ve certainly been fired.  I could not cope with the new procedures or the ‘new’ corporate culture that left me behind.  I didn’t exactly leave on good terms in the end either, so I can never use them as a reference, even though I do, just to put something on my CV / resume.

I have not worked since then and I do not feel anywhere near capable of doing that kind of work (or any kind of work) now, especially as my mental health has deteriorated further over the last 4 1/2 years.  I managed to hold that job down for several years, but my situation was very different back then.  I was married to someone who took care of a lot of the things in life that I can’t cope with, leaving me more energy to focus on what I could do.  I wasn’t socially isolated as I had her and the few ‘mutual friends’ that we had as a couple, even though I couldn’t stand most of them.  The marriage was a disaster for various reasons, but it actually kept me sane and I at least felt (somewhat) human and (somewhat) a part of society.  I had a little more confidence then, even if it was false confidence, but it was enough to just about get by.

As for the here and now, I have no idea what kind of job I’d even be able to do.  I could not work in another office environment, especially in today’s ultra-competitive, credentials obsessed work culture.  Anything involving retail, sales or customer service is totally out of the question and I cannot use phones due to the pure hatred of my voice and phone anxiety.  Manual work such as packing assembling, cooking or cleaning would be out of the question too, because of my dyspraxia, or my “bad hands” as I put it to people who don’t know what dyspraxia is.  Even though a driving job would be ideal in many ways, I’m not a good driver due to poor spatial awareness, also thanks to that fucking fiend known as ‘dyspraxia’.  I have no talents or skills at all, never mind anything ‘marketable’.  I have zero confidence, but I never really had much to begin with.  I get overwhelmed easily and I can’t multitask to save my life, as I have terrible focus and difficulty processing information.   Accounting jobs were once considered ‘back office’ jobs, but as with everything in Corporate Britain and Corporate America, even they’ve become more ‘customer-focused’ and introvert-unfriendly.

Even if I did (by some miracle) find a job where they’d be willing to give me extra training and support, my thus-far untreatable depression and anxiety would probably sabotage it at some point.  I really can’t be around other people anymore because of the intense discomfort and envy that I feel.  Office conversations were often like daggers to my soul, when they’d talk about their weekend plans, holiday plans, their kids or their relationships.

What concerns me as much as my inability to work is my inability to find work.  I’ve been applying for jobs on various websites since I returned to the UK last year, but all I’ve got is the occasional bulk rejection email.  When I was looking to change jobs back in the early 10’s, I would at least get emails and calls from recruitment agencies, but I don’t even get that anymore.  I’ve applied for so many accounting jobs, even low level jobs that my experience would’ve made me overqualified for 10 years ago,  but not in today’s market, where you’re expected to have a fucking Bachelor’s Degree, tons of references and a flashy LinkedIn profile just to land an Accounts Payable job paying peanuts.  It means that with no qualifications, I will never be able to return to the only kind of job that I was somewhat able to do, i.e. accounting based work that is heavily spreadsheet oriented.  I have no idea what else I’d be able to do, even if I were in a position to do it.

It’s depressing enough being long-term unemployed, but being unemployable makes it 1,000 times worse, being consigned to the scrapheap of uselessness and a burden to society and a human stain in the eyes of most people.  It’s knowing that even if I were to recover and get better, I’d be unable to find work.  This is another instance where the “it will get better” comments are borderline insulting, because I’m only getting older and with the ageism in society and the workplace, it’s going to be harder, still.  If only I’d been able to study and get a degree like most people of my generation did, things might not be quite so dire, but tried and failed with evening classes and online degrees, as I can’t cope with that method of learning.

So that’s why ‘long-term unemployment’ is one of the reasons why I want to die.  As with most of the reasons I listed, it’s not fixable and it won’t get better with time.   Along with my gender identity,, my neurodiversity and my ugly physical appearance, it’s one of the reasons why I exist at the outermost margins of society and cannot fit in anywhere.  It is one of the many stigmas that I face and I am very ashamed of it.  It’s not that I don’t want to work; I just can’t work and even if I could work, I can’t find work.  I’m not lazy or unwilling to work.  I just can’t anymore, especially as I barely have the energy to do the bear minimum without it draining the life out of me, especially if it involves having to interact with people.

Posted in Transgender & Mental Health Issues | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 7 Comments

I feel like I’m losing control (envy, anger, hatred, very dark thoughts)


I s’snapped’ yesterday on Twitter, lashing out at dozens of people, many of whom were on my side.  I sad some awful things and even some disturbing things that I am not proud of.  I deleted the worst Tweets this morning.  I went as far as to say that I hoped that a no deal Brexit would kill off many children and families.   I am slowly losing control of the anger and hated inside me and I’m scared.  I’m not a violent person and I actually hate violence, but this hatred inside me is getting too much to cope with and the dark, intrusive thoughts are screaming louder than ever.

I know what caused it to get to this stage: envy of others, fear of others and chronic loneliness and isolation.  I’ve ended up hating those who have what I don’t have, those who make me scared and those who have deceived me or abandoned me.  I’m actually afraid to go into detail, but I do get thoughts of hurting people who I no longer see as human beings, but as the cause of my pain, anxiety and loneliness.  I hate the society I live in for the fact that I’m alone and marginalised, without anyone to turn to or anyone who has my back.

While I know what caused these ugly thoughts and feelings I have no idea how to stop them, or stop them from getting any worse.  For now,, it’s limited to outbursts on social media, but I’m scared that I’m going to lose further control and potentially hurt someone.  Granted, for me to get to that stage, it wouldn’t be someone ‘innocent’ as it would most likely be triggered by someone stupid enough to harass me in public, but it would not end well for me, whatever the outcome might be..

I feel very guilty for the fact that I’ve found myself empathising with mass shooters lately and not so much the real victims, even though I know that this is very wrong.  There are so few people on this earth that I identity with that I guess I don’t get to be picky, but I’m very disturbed by this.  I get why some of them just finally ‘snapped’ and did what they did, even if I could never condone it.  When I read about them, I find myself identifying with their sense of total loneliness and feeling like no one gives a shit and not having a voice.  I feel the same anger and rage towards society, even though I know that most people are not deserving of this.

I’m trying to control it and I will try to keep off social media, as it seems to be making it worse, especially when I get attacked by a group of people.  But I feel it whenever I go out…the fear of others and the burning sense of envy.  I try to look down on the ground and only go out during the least busy times, but it’s almost impossible to avoid my triggers, especially during this time of year (the summer holiday period).

The song ‘Paint It Black’  by The Rolling Stones keeps playing in my head.

@I look inside myself and see my heart is black
I see my red door I must have it painted black
Maybe then I’ll fade away and not have to face the facts
It’s not easy facin’ up, when your whole world is black”

Up until fairly recently, I always maintained that my envy was such that I just wanted to experience the things that most people have, not have those things taken away from them.  I’m not so sure anymore, because the envy has turned into a hatred that clouds my morality.   I know it’s wrong to have these thoughts, but I can’t stop them.  I’m a monster, but I did have a lot of help  becoming this way, from years of being bullied, excluded, rejected and conned by people.

I need to either die, or find a way to spend the rest of my life in the wilderness, far removed from society and the triggers that are sending me down a very slippery slope.  I would even be willing to be institutionalised, if I could be drugged up and not exposed to other people.  I would have stayed in the psychiatric ward in Edinburgh, but I found myself feeling burning envy towards a young guy and a girl who spent all day talking to one another.  For some reason, it ate away at me and I envied them so much.  I also came across an elderly woman who was quite literally crazy, most likely from years of loneliness and isolation.  I saw her as my future and it terrified me.

I’m very angry at the world and I mean, VERY angry.  I know that the hate I feel towards others is just an extension of my own self-hatred, but knowing that doesn’t help me when I’m faced with my triggers.  Perhaps some of what I feel is justified and somewhat valid, but all that goes out of the window if these urges get the better of me one day.

I know I’m taking a risk by putting this out there, but I have no one to talk to about this and it’s eating me alive.  I’m not going to go into further detail, but it’s quite a bit worse than I’m willing to admit to on a public blog.  Ultimately though, I won’t hurt anyone else and if it gets to the stage where I’m in danger of doing so, I will be forced to end my own life, although that’s ultimately what I want (to die).  In the meantime, I’m going to keep destroying my liver with booze.


Posted in Transgender & Mental Health Issues | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments