Burned out

I’m having a very difficult time coping with everything right now, especially as the depressing reality of missing my flight and losing almost $1,000 continues to hit me in waves.  On top of that, I’m supposed to be moving, but even that is proving to be too daunting for me to deal with.

I had therapy again today, but it wasn’t much help.  I spent most of the one hour session venting and ruminating, going in ever decreasing circles.  My therapist is so focused on the trauma aspect that he is overlooking the fact that I have got so much worse over the last year and that many of my ‘problems’ have nothing to do with trauma / PTSD but are ingrained personality defects that I was born with.

I forced myself to make 2 phone calls this morning to car rental companies, because I wanted to find out the requirements for renting a car without a credit card so that I can transport my belongings from my current place to my new place.  It turns out that I can’t rent a car, a U-Haul or a fucking bicycle as I have shitty credit, no checking account and no proof of employment (SSD doesn’t count).  The cost of hiring movers would be over $300 for transporting nothing but clothes, shoes, bedding, electronics and toiletries…NO FURNITURE.  Using the phone is something that doesn’t get easier with exposure and not only was it a waste of time, but it caused major burnout, which in turn worsened my already low mood.

I hate my face so much.  I’m horrible at doing makeup due to dyspraxia (so please don’t recommend tutorials), but even if I were good at it, it wouldn’t make me any less ugly.  I wear it because I’m terrified of being misgendered without it, but putting makeup on my ugly monster face is akin to putting glitter on a turd (it’s still a turd and it still stinks).

I’ve burned myself out today and I feel very hopeless.  While I have no desire for company, I am alone and drowning in my thoughts, none of which are good or healthy.  I wish the pain would stop……this isn’t worth it.

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