Adjusting to a new living situation (again)

I moved successfully on Saturday, largely thanks to my friend.  Everything has gone to plan so far and I’m getting along well with one of the roommates in particular (the other I haven’t talked to much because she’s been away all weekend).  I don’t want to raise my hopes or tempt fate, but hopefully this will continue to work out well.

I slept like a log last night and despite waking up several times, I got around 8 hours worth of sleep.  It’s very quiet here and even though I’ve got no furniture beyond an airbed and a dresser and nightstand that the previous roommate left behind, I’ve already made the room pretty cozy.   My friend took me to a few thrift stores yesterday and I managed to find a bedroom chair in the color that I wanted and a bedside lamp.  I’ve also ordered a bed frame and mattress online, both of which should be here next week.  In the meantime, I just have to keep the 2 adorable cats away from the air mattress (which is difficult, because I want them to come and go as they please as I love cats).

Even though I only moved just under 2 miles from where I was living before, this is a whole ‘different’ Rochester.  It’s a very safe and quiet neighborhood and there are 2 beautiful parks nearby, one of which has trails through the woods.  This location is also very convenient for everything I need, including my favorite and most familiar Wegmans supermarket and I’m only 30 minutes walk from the clinic I go to.  I walked to Wegmans this morning past one of the nearby parks.  I felt somewhat depressed for some reason, but I think it was just a combination of tiredness catching up with me and having to adjust to a completely different living environment.  I felt a little better after buying myself a coffee and I caught the bus back some of the way, although my anxiety almost got the better of me while I was waiting at the bus stop.  I took a few pictures anyway:

My mum is talking about coming here in March or April, so I may be able to go back to the UK with her for a week or so, depending on what commitments I have by then.  I really wanted to go now, because right now I have no commitments, so I may not even be able to.  I’m at the point where I’ve given up on the idea of moving back there, because I honestly don’t think it’ll make any difference.  I’d just be running away from myself again.  I’ve started to connect here now and I;m in a better living situation and it’d be dumb to throw that away just to be homeless in the UK.  Besides, I’ll get more help here as far as advocacy to help me get back to full time employment and / or school before I get too fucking old.

I wish that something would take a major edge off my anxiety though.  Just being out and around the general public puts me under a massive amount of stress and requires almost superhuman effort.  I hate that doing such mundane tasks leaves me feeling frazzled and burned out.  I wish there was a miracle drug out there, rather than avoidance or doing what I did in the past, which was to self-medicate with alcohol and recreational drugs.  I know I’ll never be normal and will never fit in anywhere, but I wish I could go out freely without the panicky nauseating feeling of dread.

I wish I could get rid of dysphoria too and I wish that I didn’t have to put so much effort into being so crap at makeup thanks to my dyspraxia.  I don’t feel very feminine when I go out and I’m flustered from anxiety and my coordination is all over the place.  I hate being this tall and towering above most people, even though I’m not built big like most people who were assigned male at birth.  I hate my fucking voice, but I’m starting speech therapy soon, although that will be a long process and isn’t guaranteed to get the results that I want.

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