Despite the bitter cold and my reluctance to go out at all, I ended up going to therapy. I didn’t think the cold was too bad at first, but when the icy westerly wind smacked me in the face, it literally hurt. Walking to the bus stop was treacherous due to there being so much ice on the sidewalks and it took me twice as long to get to the bus stop as it would normally. This weather is far colder than anything I’m used to and there’s no end in sight to the arctic freeze.
Therapy was spent discussing my childhood and my current relationship with my (lack of) family. My therapist is very fixated on the trauma aspect of my mental health and he believes that my upbringing (or lack, thereof) is partly responsible for my trauma and my inadequacies as an adult. He used the word “neglect” to describe what happened to me, but I feel guilty acknowledging that, especially as I can almost hear my mum denying that she did anything wrong, which I later learned falls under the category of “gaslighting”. My mum and former stepdad allowed me to drift aimlessly and seemed to show little interest in my education beyond high school. Both of them made me feel unwanted and that I was nothing but a ‘problem’. I was pressured to move out from age 17 and my stepdad blamed me for their marriage failing. I still can’t connect with my mum on an emotional level. She doesn’t care and has never cared about whether or not I’m in a relationship and she didn’t seem bothered when I was abusing drugs and alcohol. As long as I wasn’t on her doorstep asking for help, she couldn’t have cared less.
The holidays always “remind” me that I literally don’t have a family at all, but rather a bunch of people in another country who just happen to be biologically related to me. I didn’t hear from any of them over Christmas, except for a stupid email I got from my mum last week, which I didn’t even bother to reply to. She never seems bothered about talking on the phone and she didn’t seem particularly bothered when I missed my flight to the UK and couldn’t make it over there to see her. I honestly feel like I wasted my time and money even attempting to go, because it was obvious even prior to my attempted visit that she didn’t seem to want me staying with her for the whole 2 weeks. She passive-aggressively kept trying to “hint” that I should also stay with other people by asking me several times if I was staying with anyone else during my 2 weeks there.
It really hit me yesterday, when I talked to a new friend on the phone for the first time and she was telling me about her relationship with her mother. I actually wish that I had an overprotective mother, rather than one that clearly doesn’t give a shit about me, aside from 1) making sure I never ask her for help again and 2) that I don’t commit suicide, because doing so would hurt her feelings (according to her). I would much rather have an annoying parent (or parents) that actually cared about me and were protective of me, rather than the complete opposite. Even when I was a child, my mum was far too “hands off”, hence I was allowed to drift and never got the help that I needed at school, nor did I feel like anyone believed in me or even wanted me around.
I knew my family was a lie very early on, but I preferred to pretend that it wasn’t the case, rather than deal with the ugly truth. I can’t do that as an adult though and the same goes for friendships. I’m tired of fake friends and saviors and friends who have no desire to be anything but “internet friends”. I would actually rather be alone than lower myself to dealing with such people, because ultimately they only make me feel even more alone anyway. I wish I hadn’t of even bothered attempting to go to the UK, because all I was doing was chasing a lie in the form of a place that isn’t home anymore and a family that isn’t actually my family.
The holidays have made me realize how completely and utterly alone I actually am.