“What are you doing for New Year’s?”

New Year’s Eve is another difficult day for me, as are the days preceding it, when I have to hear normal people drone on about their NYE plans and asking me if I’m doing anything “exciting” to usher in the new year.  If Christmas and Thanksgiving are the days that remind you that you don’t have a family, New Year’s Eve is the day that reminds you that you don’t have any actual friends either.  I don’t think I’d want to go out and party anywhere anyway, but I guess it’d be nice if I had people in my life to ask if I wanted to join them (if that makes sense?).   I don’t see what the big deal is about celebrating the new year anyway, which to me is nothing more than another year of borrowed time and another year older.  I guess it’s something normal people with friends and lives and all that jazz feel the need to celebrate, while losers like me stay indoors and hide.

222056-Almost-Time-For-That-new-Year-New-Me-Bullshit

My roommate mentioned the other day that she didn’t know what to wear for New Year’s and I hope she wasn’t looking to me for advice on that subject.  The only debate I’ll have in that department is deciding which pair of pajamas I want to wear.  I have “going out” clothes, but they just sit there in my closet collecting dust.  I have tons of makeup, most of which I’ve never even used.

Electrolysis went fine yesterday, except she forgot to charge me, so I’ll owe her for 2 sessions next time.  I used Uber to get there and back, because it’s extremely cold outside and the snow-ice combination has yet to be cleared from the sidewalks in my immediate neighborhood.  Also, because of the holidays, I didn’t want to run into extra people using the buses, so I opted to spend the extra money to spare myself from the risk of anxiety attacks.  I took 2 Lorazepam (exceeding the recommended dosage), which helped relax me during the procedure and made me less anxious when taking the cab.  Fortunately, neither cab driver talked much and I kept my earphones on.  I’ve been pretty lucky with Uber and Lyft so far when I’ve felt it necessary to rely on them.

I’m going to ask my psychiatrist for a continued prescription of Lorazepam when I see him again.  I know it’s bad to exceed the prescribed dosage, but the flip side is that I don’t use it very often.  It’s good to have for situations where I know my anxiety will be difficult to control and it’s almost as good as Xanax (if only I could get some of that).  I like the fact that I’m still in control when I take it, but I’m far more oblivious to my surroundings and to other people, almost like the effects of alcohol without being drunk.  Sometimes I feel like I’ll only ever become functional again if I start abusing alcohol, street drugs or prescription drugs again.

The other roommate (the extroverted one) has her boyfriend over, so I’ll be hiding in my room and only going downstairs to get food when I know they’re not there.  I’ve ran into him a couple of times and it was extremely awkward and uncomfortable (for me).  Perhaps he’s a really nice guy, but I’m very wary of people at the moment, especially men.

I just want the holiday period to be over already, so the shiny happy people and their   children can return to work and school respectively and I won’t have to feel so imprisoned in my own room and can resume my normal routine so that I’m not spending a fortune buying groceries online.

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