I forced myself out earlier to buy groceries and almost got frostbite in the process, because I’d forgotten to bring my proper gloves. Fortunately, a stranger pulled up and offered me a ride and as I was so freezing and my fingertips were turning blue, I accepted gratefully. As I couldn’t see the driver until I got close to his car, I actually thought it was one of my roommates or someone else who knows me (not that I know many people in this city). I got what I needed to get, but I’m a bit worried as to how I’m going to be able to go to speech therapy on Friday, which will involve 2 buses or me having to use Uber or Lyft again.
I decided not to say anything to either roommate about how upset I was at the extroverted roommate’s passive-aggressiveness the other day. I know she doesn’t like me and she doesn’t have to, as long as she doesn’t continue to find ways to catch me out and make me look bad. It’s not a battle that I can win and I’ve seldom won such battles in the past. But I’m worried because I sense that neither of them are happy with me for whatever reason and that a “talk” is coming soon. It’s better that I just keep my head down and stay out of everyone’s way, which is what I’ve always been taught to do. This is clearly not working out and it’s better that I at least mentally prepare myself for the worst, Perhaps their previous roommate wasn’t bad after all and was just depressed and found herself at the mercy of passive-aggressive behavior.
I’m not going to bother looking for anywhere else to live as there’s no point. It seems like no living situation within my reach is going to be suitable for me at all, whether it’s living alone or attempting to live with others. I make people uncomfortable and I can only attribute it to the way that I look and the fact that I have become so afraid of people that I cannot help avoiding them. It’s very difficult to get out of the mindset of being a human stain when you were raised to believe that you were nothing but a problem and in the way, Even my ex-wife treated me that way, especially after I came out as transgender and she was literally embarrassed by me and would tell me to either go out or lock myself in the room if she had anyone over. It was also blatantly obvious that my mother wasn’t too keen on the idea of me staying with her for the whole 2 weeks when I’d planned to go back to the UK to visit her.
I’ve been doing an awful lot of thinking over the last couple of weeks and my train of thought always ends up at the same destination as I’m unable to see any other logical way of making things better and turning my meaningless and painful existence into a life that would be at least somewhat worth living. There’s nothing I want out of life that will ever be within my grasp. I’m just drifting aimlessly, waiting for the next and final crisis to send me over the edge sufficiently to finally accept my fate, despite my fear of dying.
I don’t tell my therapist or anyone else how bad things are or how close I am to giving up. I’m not going to tell anyone outside of the internet how I’ve managed to fuck up yet another living situation, because I’m far too embarrassed and I’ll be the one who ultimately looks bad, because there’s obviously something very awful about me that repels people, even those who initially see past my physical grotesqueness.
I don’t want to be different; I wish I could be like them. At this point, I’m just wondering how much time I have left before I have to throw in the towel.