I guess you could say that in winning financial compensation for being discriminated against means that I’m literally getting paid for being ugly. I’ll never forget one of the other guards telling me that the guard who harassed me wouldn’t have done so if I were a “beautiful woman” sitting on that bench. He’s a nice guy and I know he didn’t mean to hurt me with those words, but it caused yet another sinking realization, a.k.a. the “ugly truth”, which is something I refer to whenever anyone validates my extremely valid insecurities concerning my physical appearance.
On my way to the clinic earlier, a threatening looking man yelled some sort of abuse at me as a crossed the street, although I didn’t hear what he said because I had my earphones on and my music playing on its loudest volume. I walked past him, deliberately looking the other way so as to avoid any eye contact or give him any visible indication that I was scared shitless. Because of my delayed reaction thinking, it didn’t really hit me until later on, when I got home. This was just days after a random person on a Facebook page commented “I’d rather look at a field of dicks than another of your profile pictures”. As always, I internalized both (accurate) assessments of my physical appearance and as far as my victory in the discrimination case, it adds a different dimension to the outcome: that I’m being paid compensation for being ugly. And if I could legitimately get paid for being ugly, I’d be a billionaire within days. Joking aside, I fucking hate my body, especially my face.
I don’t really want to keep mentioning suicide in every blog entry, but it would be dishonest of me not to, when I think about it every single day, with death being the only ‘certainty’ and release from my pain that I can actually look forward to. I’ve also said this many times, but one alternative would be to completely remove myself from society somehow and live in the wilderness, far away from any other human beings or mirrors. But I’m not a survivalist and I’d probably just end up dying a very slow and horrible death anyway.
Living and functioning in this present-day society is not an option for me. I simply cannot be around other people and it’s abundantly clear that my hideous presence isn’t wanted and I’m nothing but a target, a pity case, an object of ridicule, a freak, a thing and someone who makes people uncomfortable or creeps them out. Life has beaten me to the point that I no longer want to even bother trying anymore or working towards a future just to push me into one of the few jobs that I’d be able to do where I’d end up being hated and either fired or forced to quit. School is completely off the table too, because I can’t even motivate myself or keep my pathetic attention span under control for more than a few minutes to do the speech practice homework. I guess I’d become too complacent about going out during the day, so from here on in, I’ll go back to grocery shopping late at night so that no one has to see my ugly face in broad daylight. In the future, I’ll request medical appointments as early in the morning as possible and I’ll dash straight home afterwards. Since i can’t be a productive member of society, I may as well just hide away from everyone, which is what people want. I’ll avoid my roommates as much as possible, because I probably make them very uncomfortable and I don’t want to subject them to my ugliness or weird awkwardness anymore.
Please do not tell me to “love myself” or that “beauty is on the inside” or that “looks aren’t important”, because it takes a really ugly person like me to see right through that bullshit. It’s only good or average looking people who utter such garbage anyway. You have to be either physically attractive, smart, creatively gifted or extroverted (preferably all of these) to really make it in this world. This isn’t body dysmorphia or “imagined ugliness” either – it’s as real as real can be. I may not be physically dead yet, but I’ve already given up on life.