This time next week I’ll be in Toronto for 2 days before I fly back to the UK a week on Sunday. The thought of leaving here is literally the only thing keeping me (barely) sane right now, despite being scared shitless about traveling alone and as a transgender woman with uncontrollable anxiety and PTSD. I’m worried that something will go horribly wrong either before or during the trip to prevent me from leaving. And even if I make it to the UK, I will find ‘existing’ just as impossible as it is here.
My therapist has written a letter to take with me to inform anyone necessary (e,g. airport check-in staff) of my ‘severe and persistent anxiety, which may help me if i get into the same difficulties I had last time I attempted to travel. I bought a portable WiFi hotspot with global data so that I can stay connected, which is extremely important as I am very dependent on GPS and email is the method in which I keep in touch with people. Even if I were comfortable on the phone, my US phone won’t work in Canada or the UK. I have 2 portable battery chargers for mobile devices. I have enough medication for 2 months, including Lorazepam for my anxiety.. I have made an extensive list of things to pack and I’ve transferred some money into my UK bank account. I don’t want to make any more reservations for travel or accommodation until I’m physically in the UK, as I don’t want to risk losing that money if I have another meltdown and don’t make it. I’ve adjusted my sleep pattern in accordance with UK time (5 hours ahead) and this has also helped me to avoid my roommates.
Things haven’t got any better in the house that I’m currently living in. I’m don’t talk to either of my roommates and I do all I can do completely avoid them, even if that means barricading myself in my room for hours until they leave. I don’t feel safe here anymore, knowing that either of them could show up at any time with unannounced strangers, particularly their boyfriends. K was away for 4 days, but she returned yesterday, seemingly more obnoxious than ever. I haven’t spoken to her or even crossed paths with her, but she’s been loud for the 2 nights that she’s been back, having friends and equally obnoxious boyfriend over. Both of them woke me up a few hours ago by being their usual loud, obnoxious and inconsiderate selves and I’ve not been able to go back to sleep. I’m petty sure they will be here all day tomorrow and that his stupid friends will be over later to hog the living room for several hours to play Dungeons & Dragons, then K and her boyfriend will most likely hog the kitchen for several hours afterwards. In other words, I expect to be stuck in my room all day, heavily self-medicating with alcohol, Seroquel and Lorazepam to numb myself and knock myself out for as long as possible. I just want to get away from these people, because they are not only difficult to live with, but they also make me feel worse about myself and I feel like an unwanted stain here.
When I saw my care manager on Thursday, he floated the idea of looking into supportive housing again, as in one less geared towards ‘living skills’ management than the one that I was living in before. Even though the last place didn’t work out, I’m not opposed to the idea. I cannot live alone and independently in a place where I have no social connections or emotional support and I certainly cannot live with roommates who are just uncaring strangers. Without any local friends, a partner or a supportive family, I don’t know what other options there are. If I had the means, I’d go and live in a cabin in the wilderness and spend the rest of my days far away from the chaos and the painful ‘reminders’ caused by existing in present day society. If I ever won the lottery, I would use the money to completely isolate myself and exist comfortably. The loneliness, anxiety and the intense and intrusive thoughts of envy of others would subside if I could remove myself completely from the human race. There is nothing lonelier than being surrounded by people in a town or city who don’t give a shit about you and just make you envious of them. I’m a complete and utter failure and any hope I had of any kind of normal life in which I’d be a functional human being has long been extinguished.
I’m not making any plans beyond what is supposed to be my final week in the UK because I don’t see any future fr myself beyond that. I really don’t want to come back here and even if by some miracle I’m able to stay in the UK permanently, my demons will eventually catch up with me when the ‘honeymoon period’ passes. As much as I am terrified of change, I know that as long as nothing awful happens, it will at least bring me temporary respite and the chance to detoxify somewhat from the awful experience I’ve had living in Rochester since July 2016 (yes, it’s been that long). I’m looking forward to seeing my mum again, the cats and 2 friends in particular, one of whom has helped me a great deal over the last couple of months with her regular phone calls. Maybe I’ll feel differently when I start to feel more ‘human’ again, but I am not expecting that outcome and I am very much resigned to ending my existence, but at least doing so on my own terms and on somewhat of a ‘high’, albeit temporary.
I’m extremely grateful for the help that I’ve received here, but at least someone else can benefit from it. No one will miss me here except my roommate’s cat and those who’ve profiteered from my care. I’ve been through so much shit here that it’s changed me permanently and for the worse. I’m tired and I just want to leave….beyond that, who fucking knows. Rochester has done the same to me as it’s doing to this abandoned hospital that I’ve been taking pictures of over the past couple of years: tearing me down…..