It’s official: I have to move (yet again)

L (my roommate) confirmed that I do have to move by May 31st as both of my roommates are apparently moving out.  L is moving in with her friend and K is moving to NYC.  The landlord wants all 3 of our signatures to terminate the lease, so it’s official.  L mentioned that the friend she’s moving in with is subletting her old apartment, but it’s twice the rent I’m paying now and unless it was furnished and could be leased on a short-term basis, I wouldn’t be able to afford it.  On top of that, I’d have to incur moving costs and somehow deal with a moving company, which is not something I can face alone.

I can’t sleep and that is most likely going to be the case until I get some sort of resolution on this issue, or I will keep worrying myself sick, as I’m doing now.  May 31st may sound like sufficient time to find another room share, but given that I’m 1) transgender and ugly, 2) I have mental health issues and 3) I am currently not working, it’s highly unlikely that I’d be able to find anywhere suitable in that city in time, especially without a car or confidence.  It took months to find the place that I’m living in now and I was only able to meet them for the first time because someone came with me.  That same person came with me to look at another room.  I don’t want to live alone there, because I will become completely isolated and cut off and I’d be unable to cope.  It’s unlikely that I’d be able to find suitable supportive housing by the end of May either, as there’s a waiting list for that and it took me months to get into the last place.  I know that it’s time to leave Rochester, but I don’t see how I’d be able to move back to the UK without any help and limited financial means.  Even though I’ve found it easier to just ‘be’ here, I still have severe anxiety and absolutely zero confidence.  I could probably survive for 3-4 months on my savings, but after that I’d be homeless and destitute.  My mum is worried that if I came back it’d all go “pear shaped” again (as she put it) and she’s probably right.  I’ve tried to move back tot he UK twice and failed on both occasions.

The remainder of this trip has been ruined, basically.  I’m meant to be seeing a friend in Hertfordshire tomorrow and another 2 on Friday, but I feel burned out and not at all sociable, bit it’s too late to cancel on them and they’d probably be very upset if I did.  I just want to stay here alone and be with the cats, rather than deal with any more travelling, as it will only cause additional stress, anxiety and hyperhidrosis (excessive sweating) episodes which caused more anxiety.  Travelling back from the south coast on Sunday wasn’t fun at all and I was in a constant state of anxiety and being around so many people felt claustrophobic.  My mum was suggesting that I should go down and see my dad’s ex-wife too (she was like a stepmum to me when I was growing up), but she doesn’t seem to understand how difficult it is for me to travel alone and how much it drains me.

As far as staying in Rochester goes, supportive housing would be the only acceptable option for me, as I can’t live alone (especially not there) and it’s very unlikely that I’d be able to find a suitable roommate who would be accepting of my situation.  Besides, I don’t want to be at the mercy of someone else’s decisions, if it all goes wrong.  But the chances of finding a place in a supportive housing program in less than 2 months are slim to none.  All in all, it doesn’t look good, does it?  I have contacted my care manager to let him know that this needs to be priority above all else, but he hasn’t been very effective since I was switched to him from my last care manager, who was far more helpful when it came to my issues.  If L’s friend’s place is furnished and if she’d be willing to do a month-to-month or short-term lease, that might (at best) buy me a bit more time, but that is the best case scenario and it would still involve living alone in a city that I’ve always felt like a freak and a leper.  I have no social support there whatsoever and no help as of yet with dealing with the outside world, but the apartment is at least in the same (relatively safe and familiar) area of Rochester that I’m in now.

I’m tired of moving from one unstable living situation to another, I’m tired of Rochester, I’m tired of people, I’m tired of being scared all the time and I’m tired of just trying to survive. 

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