The sense of relief that I experienced after that hellish journey soon passed and the grim reality of my situation here in Rochester has sent me spiraling down. I’ve only been sleeping sporadically and I’ve experienced some of the worst nightmares that I’ve ever had, including the nightmare I woke up from an hour ago, which has left me feeling distraught. I have a splitting headache and my body seems to ache all over. I haven’t been able to eat much, but what I have eaten has just ended up making me feel nauseous. I’m out of Lorazepam and due to my health insurance expiring soon, I’m not even sure that I’ll be able to get another prescription (it’s the only thing that helps somewhat with my anxiety).
I knew that coming back to Rochester would be bad and that I’d find it difficult to find somewhere else to live within the space of 4 weeks. But when I went downstairs yesterday and saw that my roommates have already been busy packing, the reality of it all hit me like a ton of bricks. I feel like a passenger on a sinking ship, watching everyone around me bail, while I’m tied to the mast and condemned to drown when the ship sinks. I would have been better off just staying in supportive housing, even though I never felt comfortable there. I just thought I was ready to deal with the outside world and normal people, but I was horribly wrong. I haven’t even lived at this address for 6 damn months and I’m worn out from years of turmoil caused by constantly moving from one awful (or just far too ‘temporary’) living situation to the next and the fear of ending up homeless and trapped in a place that I’ve grown to hate (Rochester, New York). I would have given anything for a safe, stable place to live and just one friend here, as those things would have made a big difference.
I’ve emailed several ads for rooms , but nothing so far. L has tried to offer advice, including trying to reassure me that “more people are looking to rent rooms this time of year” and showing me a listing of a subletting that is almost double the amount of what I’d be able to afford and the ad specifically states “no public assistance”. I know that L is only trying to help, but like most people, she is unable to see past her own privilege and understand that finding suitable and affordable housing is 8,565,783 times more difficult for someone in my position than it would be for a ‘normal’ person. At the end of the day, no one wants to rent a room or share a house with a mentally ill transgender woman who doesn’t work and is extremely socially awkward. And no, I’m not making any of this up, when people have flat-out told me that I make them uncomfortable.
I emailed 2 of the staff that I got along with at my old supportive housing place, but they both said that I’d basically need to apply from scratch and that a referral would have to come from my care manager. My care manager hasn’t even responded to any of my emails. Even though I have an appointment with him tomorrow, I’m sure that nothing will get done, aside from him telling me that he will “look into it”, without any care for the urgency of the situation. I’m not going to end up at Motel 5 again or at the hotel in Downtown Rochester where they shove all the vagrants, drug addicts and other destitute people who were also given up on long ago.
So I have to assume that I’m not going to find anywhere else to live and I have to assume that my ‘ugliness compensation‘ money isn’t going to arrive in time either. This means that actually moving back to the UK isn’t an option, neither is staying here in Rochester. I’m giving this 2 more weeks before I make a decision, because it’s time to either shit or get off the pot. I’m not going to get better and if I stick around, things are going to get considerably worse. I’m going back to the UK, but it’s not to move there nor is it for a holiday or to visit anyone. In my own mind, I’ve said my goodbyes and while I wasn’t able to come up with a feasible way for me to stay there, I was able to experience a temporary respite and at least pass through the place where I wish to end.