I had grandiose plans to go out today and attempt cycling again, but my anxiety and depression and the non-stop rain outside have killed those plans. Instead I’m just here in my room, emailing every potential room ad on Craigslist and getting few replies, except for those with either ridiculous demands or are containing some sort of sexual harassment (see below):
I sent a text message to the girl whose apartment I was going to see over the weekend, but it was too far, I told her I’d try to deal with the transport issue, but she’d already rented the room. My only hope right bow is the possibility of a 3 month sublet that I might be seeing on Wednesday, but I’m not going to get my hopes up and it’s actually way above my price range, but it’s in a safe and convenient neighborhood and I’d just have to deal with the expense for 3 months. 3 months *might* buy me enough time to be approved for financial housing assistance and a place in a supportive housing apartment, but this doesn’t look good at the moment. I’ve also reached out to a local LGBT organization for help, but LGBT organizations tend to be focused on LGBT youth when it comes to housing and Iv’e never had any luck before pursuing such avenues.
I have 4 strikes against me in my housing search and all the anti-discrimination laws don’t mean a thing when it comes down to it:
- I’m transgender
- I’m on SSDI for mental illness
- I suffer from depression, major anxiety, PTSD combined with suspected Asperger’s Syndrome and dyspraxia
- I don’t work
- I don’t own a car
To make matters worse and to add to my current (already high) stress levels, I did some research on the neighborhood that the guest house is located in and it looks like it’s in a pretty shit neighborhood according to SpotCrime.com and Google reviews of local businesses.
Of course, I should have researched this before, but I panicked and it was the only affordable accommodation that I could find. The fact that I’ve been subjected to several bad to terrifying experiences in the “bad” parts of this city (which there are many) and the fact that I seem to be a target here worries me greatly. It’s not about what a neighborhood looks like aesthetically, but there are a lot of very bad or mentally fucked up or drug addicted people in Rochester, many of whom give the impression that they’ve got nothing to lose. This wouldn’t worry me as much if this were a British city, which is funny because I was thinking of temporarily settling in Nottingham, which my mum keeps warning me against because it’s “rough” (hilarious, considering I currently live in one of the most statistically dangerous cities in New York State for violent crime and crimes against property). The Airbnb is non-refundable and I can’t afford to lose the almost $600 that I put down to reserve it. To add to that, it’s a guest house and I’ve no idea who else will be staying there or if they’ll be of some kind of threat to me. I rely on buses and walking and the last thing I need is to be in a place where I’m going to find it much more difficult just to go out.
I’m really angry at my roommate L for essentially putting me in this predicament and not giving a shit. She could have spoken to our current landlord about the possibility of me staying here alone until he finds 2 new roommates, but she didn’t even seem willing to do that. The fucked up part is that she works in mental health and she should know better, rather than be oblivious to the difficulties that mentally ill people face when looking for safe housing. She should have told me back in December that there was a chance she’d be terminating the lease after just 5 months.. I shouldn’t have let her convince me to sign the lease termination form effective the end of this month (April), but it’s too late now and I’m a fucking idiot. She was initially willing to stay until the end of May and I should have pressed her to do so, being as this has dropped me in so much shit. I haven’t even spoken to her since last week and I plan on avoiding her, as I’m likely to say something awful and I don’t think that will make any difference at this stage, because I’ve already told her how angry and upset I am, but she doesn’t care
I don’t want to look for new roommates anymore anyway. The only way I’d live with someone again is if it were a close friend or relative or a partner that I agreed to move in with. There are too many assholes out there and I’m just not compatible with anyone here. Every living situation I’ve been through in this city has ended in disaster and with me having to fucking move again. I can’t live on my own here either, but I hope I get that sublet because I’ll deal with it for 3 months being as it’s a safe area and I’ll probably spend that time unwinding from the bad experience of living here for the last 6 months with my current roommates.
I feel sick, both mentally and physically. I can’t sleep, I can’t focus on anything and I can’t even enjoy food because I feel nauseous and lethargic after I eat (even ‘low risk’ foods seem to be having this effect on me).
Since the 2 companies involved in my discrimination case have received the W-9 form from me, I should be getting my ugliness compensation soon. I figured that if it comes before the end of the month, I’ll just bank it and go back to the UK, avoiding another potentially traumatic living situation at the Airbnb and I’ll be gone from Rochester, Western New York and the United States forever.
If anyone out there can possibly help me, please let me know. I’m losing my mind and I’m running out of time.