I know I sound like a broken / stuck record by saying this, but I don’t even want friends anymore. All people do is cause me pain and hurt me, even if that wasn’t their intention. People lie and trick me into believing they actually cared. I fall for it almost every time, like the ugly piece of shit idiot that I am. People say things to me that end up triggering me for weeks or even months afterwards, then they act as if they did nothing wrong and gaslight me by making out that I’m taking it the wrong way, when I know exactly what they meant. I’m always expected to just let it slide and if I react in any way, they accuse me of pushing them away just so they can walk away. Adult friendships are a joke. You’re always going to come second to someone’s selfish, conformist desires to find a partner then when they find that person, you’re cast aside and expected to be happy for them as they leave you behind in the dirt.
People are fake and cannot be trusted. Adult friendships suck, because they’re easily expendable when people find something ‘better’ (which always happens to me because I’m the bottom of the barrel and never good enough, too ugly to be loved). It’s bad enough when strangers and haters validate your worst insecurities by calling me ugly or misgendering me, but when a so-called ‘friend’ does it, it’s even worse. And people always end up going for my Achilles Heel , i.e. my gender identity whenever there’s any kind of dispute or argument, meaning that I not only lose, but I’m left with ton of dysphoria. I long for the quality of the few friendships that I had as a child, but the only equivalent in adulthood of that kind of closeness and loyalty would be a romantic relationship and I’m far too ugly for that to happen.
At this stage of my shitty existence, there is no point in seeking out or maintaining connections with anyone. With any luck, I won’t be here much longer and all those painful (but true) words that were said to me and continually torment me will finally be silenced. U was better off completely isolated in Scotland a couple of weeks ago, when I didn’t even talk to anyone online,