I’ve been in a dark and lonely place for the last few days, even prior to seeing that headline about how the Trump Administration plan to erase transgender people’s identities (I wish someone would just ‘erase’ me from existence and end my suffering, to be honest). I feel like I am nothing more than a burden and that I have no purpose at all, but to continue to suffer and struggle.
Returning to the UK won’t really solve my problems and may even create new ones.. I’m only really doing it for the short-term sense of relief it will provide, at least until reality kicks in as my savings run out and I can no longer hide from the world. I don’t really have anyone there either, except for my mum and I can’t and won’t depend on her because it’d put too much of a strain on her and her marriage. I’ve lied to my therapist and my care manager here by telling them that I’m returning to a place where I have friends and family, because the reality is that I have neither of those things. While the social aspect of my anxiety is a little less paralyzing, it’s still severe enough to prevent me from standing on my own two feet and coping with life. I’m not going to get to see a therapist anymore when I leave here, which is quite literally the only face-to-face human contact I have left in which I can actually be myself and talk about my feelings openly without fear of being judged or abandoned.
I don’t think I’ve ever thought so poorly of the human race as I do now, not even during the depths of my despair during the years I abused drugs and alcohol in my early to mid 20’s. Even then, I had a tiny amount of hope for the future and I wasn’t as alone as I am now. People are nothing but disappointments though, particularly the few people I’ve allowed in over the last few years, all of whom are now gone. I can blame myself and hate myself for it, but lets them off the hook and is one of the reasons why I make the same mistakes with people over and over again. While there’s nothing I can do to change the past, I can at least try to not feel bad about pushing such people away, who weren’t who I initially though they were.
Being back in Rochester has been tough; even tougher than I thought. I can barely sleep for more than a few hours and what little sleep I have is full of nightmares and I wake up in a sweat and panic. I feel like a giant freak and a stain on the earth. One of the few things I enjoyed, i.e. riding my bike has completely lost its shine. The weather has turned very cold and this poorly insulated house has gone from being unbearably hot before I left to an ice box,. I’ve had to give away most of my belongings for free on Craigslist and on the occasions where I’ve actually had to deal with a stranger in person, I’ve had to drink myself stupid.
It’s obvious to me that I don’t belong here, as in on this planet or in this current era. I don’t have the skills and attributes required to survive in this place or time and it’d be the same shit wherever I end up. Part of the reason why I hate people is that I hate myself and how being around others only intensifies my self-hatred and sense of loneliness.