Airbnb is always a huge risk for someone in my situation, because it involves following instructions and many Airbnb hosts seem to be extroverts who do not know how to accommodate someone with hidden disabilities. But for the second time, I’ve got lucky. I rented an ‘entire home until I leave Rochester for good on Saturday, which in this case is a converted basement in someone’s house that literally had all the amenities I need and then some. It’s cozy, quiet and ideal for an introvert. I don’t even have to go out at all, although I probably will because the host lent me her daughter;s bike to use while I’m here. The host herself is actually really nice and offered to drive me to the train station on Saturday. I feel like I can breathe again, with no roommates in sight.
As for S, my former roommate, I said goodbye to her via text message and she said sorry that I wasn’t able to feel comfortable in the house. At least we parted way amicably after things went so horribly wrong during the heatwave in August, when we were fighting over the AC. It rarely ever happens that I’m able to reconcile with someone and either repair the broken bridge or part ways amicably, but in this case, I was able to. She was grateful for the fact that I was able to be around during her crisis and I appreciated that and I’m glad I was at least some use to her.
My ever-present anxiety has now switched to what I plan on being my last ever flight and international border crossing. this weekend. I’m particularly dreading crossing the US-Canada border at Niagara Falls, because last time US Customs Border Protection agents boarded the train at Niagara Falls (NY) train station and were rigorously questioning people LEAVING the country, which is the first time I’ve ever known that happening. They grilled me last tome on what I did in Rochester and why I was leaving and when I was returning. I’m leaving for good this time, but what if they don’t let me leave for whatever reason? I’m absolutely terrified of this right now, especially under the Trump Administration. I feel like I’m laving some sort of nationalist regime county and based on recent events in the news, that isn’t too far removed from the truth. There is absolutely zero doubt in my mind that leaving is the right thing to do and that even if I wanted to stay, it would be too risky for me to do so, being 1) transgender, 2) a legal immigrant and 3) mentally ill.
Hopefully, the worst of my fears will be over by Saturday evening and I’ll only be left with the flight itself to dread. After this, I am never flying or going overseas again, at least not on my own. Traveling as a transgender person and as someone with severe anxiety is a living nightmare and any desire I once had to ‘see the world’ has long since died. If I can’t walk, cycle or take a train there, I’m not going….simple as that.