I made a mistake today….I went out.
An abandoned railway trail in the countryside is the last place I expected to encounter more harassment, but it happened. A group of 3-4 teenage girls had a good laugh as I cycled past them. I didn’t hear their words, because I had my earphones on, as always. They ruined what should have been a day in which I got out and away from people on my bike.
I can’t deal with this shit. Perhaps it’s happening for a reason….to give me the final push that I need to quit. I’m invisible to those who I crave to be noticed by and only visible to those who wish to cause me harm or make fun of me.
And please don’t tell me stupid shit like “don’t let them win”. I’ve been bullied since I was a small child and the bullies ‘won’ a long time ago. All I want is to be left alone until I’m gone, which won’t be much longer. But people can’t even give me that peace….they can’t even walk on by and leave me alone, content that they don’t have to ‘be’ me.
Tomorrow I have to go out, because I’m meant to be viewing 2 flats with my mother. I really don’t want to go as it’s pointless and my fear of people is sky high right now and I’ll be a nervous wreck. I can’t talk to her about it, because she won’t understand. If I so much as give her any indication that I’m not coping, she’ll just lecture me about how I should have stayed in the United States.
Once again, I know I’m ugly, I know I’m a freak, I know I’m a weirdo and I know that I’m a piece of shit. Once again, I hate myself far more than any of you could possibly hate me and I don’t want to be here, so kindly FUCK OFF.