I’ve been back and forth between here and my mum’s over the past few days. I found a flat and I’ve put in the application and paid the application fee. They said it would take 1-2 weeks before I hear whether I’m approved, so now it’s a waiting and hoping game, because I really need my own place and an end to this year long ‘living with people’ nightmare.
My mum has been a lot of help on the practical side of things, but I have to largely hide my mental health struggles from her and her husband, which is draining at times and I feel like there’s a lot of pressure on me not to buckle. I can’t multitask or do anything that involves talking to a stranger on the phone. I’m struggling with my anxiety (fear of people in general), dyspraxic symptoms and depressive spells that lead to suicidal thoughts that are difficult to fight. I quite literally have no one to talk to….no friends and no therapist. This is proving to be extremely difficult, especially with the harassment I experienced a few days ago that I still haven’t anywhere near recovered from.
I told my mum, her husband and the letting agent that I’m actively looking for a job and that’s what I have to shift my focus to now. I’m dreading it and I don’t think I stand any chance of getting hired to do any job, never mind find a suitable job given my limitations. I left my last job in January 2015 when I left Florida and haven’t worked since. I think a convicted felon would have more chance of finding a job than me….as someone who’s transgender, socially inept, without a degree and without references I can use. I’m going to start job hunting tomorrow for accounting jobs (the only field I have any experience in), but I know my efforts will probably prove to be futile.
What else have I been doing? Mostly just riding my bike, spending time with the cats (Lily and Madgie) and taking pictures of Southwell, Newark and the surrounding area. I just wish I felt safe and I wish there was someone who had my back and that I could turn to when I’m feeling scared or low. I alternate between feeling somewhat okay to feeling depressed and suicidal and it doesn’t take much to trigger me. And it’s exhausting, feeling like I have to constantly justify and explain my ‘hidden’ disabilities.
This Christmas and this holiday season in general is going to be so difficult to get through. And I miss my ex-wife so much and I wish she was still in my life, even in just a friendship capacity.