A more difficult than usual weekend

I wasn’t going to update this thing again for a while because all I’m doing is talking to myself out loud and gone are the days when the internet was a place of solace and a place where I felt that I could express myself freely without getting judged.  WordPress is a lonely place for me, just like everywhere else.

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It’s not even 2 am, but I’ve given up on sleep for the night.  I woke earlier from a particularly awful PTSD-inducing nightmare, in which I was admitted to a low security male prison and it involved the pain of losing my ex-wife all over again.  It felt so real and I only woke up from it after having a major panic attack in the nightmare.  Even though I’m anxious about leaving my room because a male guest arrived today, I shot downstairs to the kitchen and made 2 cups of coffee to fully wake myself up,  Even though I’m sleep deprived, I am terrified to go back to sleep for even the 1-2 hours that my insomnia would’ve allowed before I just ingested a ton of caffeine.  As I’ve stated before, the suffering only continues on the occasions when I manage to sleep.

Weekends, especially Saturdays are usually always bad for me, but yesterday was worse than usual.  I felt confined to my room and to the house and I couldn’t go out at all as there were people outside even during the early hours of the morning.  Being confined to 4 walls is torture for me, because my mind starts tormenting me and there’s nothing I can do to distract myself from such loud and intrusive thoughts, which are almost like voices in my head.  I started off the day applying for jobs, but got too easily overwhelmed by an online application form that I gave up on.  As I read through job descriptions, I realized how unemployable I am for the reasons I stated in my last blog entry the previous day.  I would say that this is too much and too soon, but it’s been over 3 1/2 years since I last worked and that is unacceptable.  I am a burden and a drain to society, unable to support myself because I’m such a socially inept, ugly loser and a freak.

The Airbnb home I’m staying in is located on the main street in the town, so of course I get to hear people out and having fun in the evenings and at night, while I sit up here alone and trapped indoors.  I’m tired f constantly having to wear earphones or headphones to drown out noise that either causes me anxiety or reminds me of what I’m missing out on.   I feel like taking a knife and carving out my eardrums so that I don’t have to hear sound or hear what people say anymore.   If it weren’t for the fact t hat I can still appreciate the beauty of nature, I wouldn’t mind losing my vision either, because I wouldn’t be tormented by ‘reminders’ anymore if I could no longer see or hear them.  While wanting to lose my vision and hearing might sound crazy, I mentioned it to my therapist several times and he seemed to understand my reasoning.   More than anything though, I wish I could switch off my brain permanently to stop the torment permanently.

I feel completely and utterly alone, getting further and further lost in the maze inside my head.  I want to go out, but going out is extremely draining, because I’m constantly hyper-vigilant and on edge.  From my perspective, the world outside seems like a terrifying place and I feel like a target, just as much as I did in Rochester.  It’s been almost 3 weeks since my last therapy session in Rochester and boy am I feeling the effects from having absolutely no one to talk to about how I feel,  While we never really got anywhere in therapy, those weekly therapy sessions became somewhat of a lifeline during times of loneliness.  Even though I knew he was paid to listen to me, it felt cathartic to be able to talk freely to someone who would listen and wouldn’t say something triggering in response.  The only reason I feel that I can talk freely on this blog (to an extent) is that no one reads it, but it doesn’t offer the same sense of release or a sense of comfort that would occur if I were talking to a close friend or a romantic partner….but these are things I’ll never have again.

I know that I’m not going to get through this, because the urge to quit is as strong as it’s ever been, but this time I’ve got truly nothing and no one left to carry on for.  I’m already figuring out mt plans, so that at least my belongings are in one place and I’ve come up with a good alibi, so that no one will get dragged into this mess.  I didn’t come back to the UK to give life yet another chance, I just wanted to get out of Rochester and the United States and I achieved that at least.  Unfortunately, I haven’t got to experience the few weeks (or even months) of peace that I’d hoped for, as my mind, my body and the outside world (people) continue to torment me.

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