There are times when I wonder if I’m just plain stupid, rather than having one or more developmental disorders. I’ve been having trouble coping with simple tasks and figuring things out by myself, so I’ve had to resort to asking my mum for advice several times for anything from knowing what to recycle to how to use my washing machine, but it goes in one ear and out the other. She must get frustrated with me, just as she does with my uncle who has similar problems. It’s also a complete absence of confidence that I can do anything right these days, due to so many past failures. I can’t even buy the right lightbulbs, having bought the wrong ones not once, but twice. I can’t even put a wheel back on a bike or screw something in without getting frustrated at my ‘bad hands’. I’ve also injured myself twice in the last 3 days because of my poor coordination and bad feet (I cut my heel so bad yesterday that it took a while to stop bleeding).
To this day, my mum still doesn’t want to believe there’s anything wrong with me. “Your uncle had anxiety too, but he volunteered” and “Lots of people injure themselves” she said the other day. I’m glad she didn’t use the example of my younger half brother though, who recovered from anxiety because he had lots of support and could afford to pay for a good therapist. I don’t want to fight with her though as I know she struggles with guilt as it is, so the last thing I want to do is pile any more on her. When I do end my life, I don’t want her to feel any guilt, but I know it’s inevitable. There is nothing she can do or say at this stage anyway that will make it right.
I saw my uncle yesterday on the way to the bike shop and told him that I wouldn’t be able to make the Labour Party gathering at the Indian restaurant that he’d invited me to on Saturday. I hope he wasn’t offended, because part of me did want to go, but there’s no way I’d be able to cope with a dozen strangers in a restaurant and I am terrified of eating in front of people anyway. I would have felt incredibly stupid and I feel too ugly to be seen by anyone.
I searched online for mental health support groups yesterday and emailed a couple of organizations, but the only response was from someone telling me the nearest group was in Lincoln, which is too far to really be practical. It’s going to be a very long time before I’m given any kind of assessment and I don’t know how long I’ll be able to continue like this. I went from seeing a therapist almost every week to not seeing anyone at all. I have no help or advocacy on a practical level either and that’s causing considerable problems and an over-dependence on my aging mother.
I feel like a burden and a strain on anyone who tries to help. I feel an enormous weight of pressure on me to not show any signs to the outside world that I’m completely broken inside and scared every time I go out to do simple, mundane tasks. I’m sure people in this town are already judging me and I do my best to avoid their stares and I keep my earphones lodged in and my music up at full volume to drown out their noise and any comments directed towards me, just as I did in Rochester. I have said this on numerous occasions, but I honestly wish that I could have my hearing completely removed, because it would rid me of a lot of the stress and fear I face whenever I go out and I wouldn’t have to wear earphones anymore or worry about having to use a phone ever again.
I can’t cope with life in 2018. I’m not cut out for any of this and not up to the task. I lack the credentials, the connections, the qualifications, the attributes, the looks and the social skills needed to survive in this overly-complicated era.