A very wet Friday evening

I got absolutely drenched while riding my bike back from my mum’s last night.  Not only was it pissing down with rain, but my bike has no mudguards, so I got all the spray from the many puddles on the ground too.  My mum made my uncle and I (the outcasts of the family) a meal and she made an effort to make sure mine was vegan (she even baked a vegan cake for dessert).  My uncle talked a lot and after a while, I was struggling to keep up and I started feeling burned out.   He still keeps inviting me to the social things that he goes to, but I get that he doesn’t understand my kind of anxiety.

I’m a bit worried about Madge (one of the cats) as she’s been very standoffish as of late.  Usually she comes and spends time with me, but she was nowhere to be seen.  Even my mum said she’d been acting that way for a few days, but she doesn’t look sick or anything.  I hope she isn’t sick, because it would break my heart if something was wrong with her.  I’ll have to keep an eye on her while I’m staying there over Christmas when my mum and her husband go away.  Lily was being quite sociable though and she sat on my lap for quite a while.

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The rain has gone now and I really want to go out and ride my bike, but I can’t because it’s the school holidays and I’m likely to run into kids and teenagers wherever I go.    Maybe I’ll try to go out later, long after it gets dark.  I’m not the kind of person who likes to just stay in all the time, especially as I’m prone to developing agoraphobia very rapidly.  The longer I spend indoors, the harder it is for me to go out.

My mum is really trying and she’s done a lot for me, which is actually what makes this so much harder and it adds to my guilt.  Maybe she knows deep down that I’m destined to fail and run out of money,  Maybe she even knows that she will most likely outlive me, but she can’t accept it.

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