My uncle came over earlier and we talked for quite a while. I wasn’t exactly in the mood, but I’m glad he came over. My mum often criticizes him for being aloof and not thinking of other, but that isn’t the case at all. We were taking and the subject of my 2 younger half brother came up. I told him that I was upset that they pretend that I don’t exist and that I haven’t heard from them on a day like today of all days, when they know damn well that I’m back in the UK, alone and struggling.
Unlike my mum, my uncle accepts that they were heavily favored when we were growing up and they still are. He talked about how their grandparents (my step-grandparents at the time) lavished them with all the attention and he mentioned that both my brothers were sent to great secondary schools and got to go to university, when I was left to drift at a shitty school and got bullied in the process. He even said that his and my mun’s second cousin and his wife mentioned that my younger half brothers seem to be heavily favored.
I broke down in tears after he left, not because the conversation was triggering as such, but because a close family member acknowledged the favoritism, rather than try to gaslight me into believing that it’s all in my head or that I’m just bitter and resentful for no reason, For all his ‘aloofness’, my uncle is a very perceptive and honest man. And if distant relatives who I’ve not even seen since I was a child notice, it can’t be all in my head, If only someone had validated these feeling 20 years ago, I wouldn’t have felt as alone as I did or as guilty.
I can’t discuss any of this with my mum and I don’t even want to. I used to resent her and her ex husband for it, but I don’t want to pile any guilt on her at this stage, as it wouldn’t achieve anything except for causing more pain, Even if she were to acknowledge it and we were able to discuss the past, it’s too late and the damage is done. But it felt comforting for a close family member to validate my feelings like that, rather than just dismiss them or go on the defensive. I feel bad for my uncle, because I know he struggles with some of the same issues that I do, but he at least has social skills and is likable as a human being.
And unsurprisingly enough, my 2 younger half brothers don’t talk to him either or acknowledge the Christmas cards that he sends them. I told him not to bother anymore and not to take it personally, because they’re spoiled assholes with over-inflated egos. If my mother were to pass away, I wouldn’t be able to attend her funeral if they were there…that’s how deep this runs,
If you wonder why I envy others so much and why I’ve got such horrible self-esteem, it shouldn’t take much to figure it out and stop ‘wondering’.