Back in hiding

I spent 3 days at my mum’s, taking care of Lily and Madge. I decided to leave a bit early, because I’m sure my mum and her husband wouldn’t have wanted to run into my ugly face after driving for 3 hours back from their Christmas break in Yorkshire. I woke up super early and went to the Asda supermarket at 6am to stock up on food for the next 4-5 days, as I don’t plan on going anywhere until after the New Year is over with. Asda was mostly empty and there were no families or couples, so I was able to take my time and buy what I needed in peace and without dealing with any stress.

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I met my uncle and his ‘lady friend’ at the Wetherspoon’s pub yesterday afternoon. I’d never met her before and I was asked to keep it a secret from my mum that she’s here, because my mum doesn’t like her. For good reason….she’s been habitually using my uncle for money for years and still owes him thousands, but it’s his life and I am not going to judge him for it, especially as he also struggles with loneliness and just wanted to have some company for Christmas. It was a rather awkward encounter though and one in which I had to overdo it on alcohol just to remain talkative. I will honor my uncle’s request and not tell my mum. The pub felt quite intimidating at times, although at least it was generally older people and no families with children running around. I should boycott Weatherspoon’s pubs as the CEO is a hardcore Brexiteer and the company website is full of Brexit and anti-EU propaganda.

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I cleaned all 4 of my bikes while I was staying at my mum’s. It’s easier to do there, as she has a hose and a large garden. At least all 4 bikes got to be taken out and used. I tend to use the green mountain bike most of the time because it’s the ugliest and least likely to get stolen, but it’s also sturdy. I’m trying to save Persephone for when the weather gets better and I only plan on using the folding bike if I go somewhere on the train and want to bring a bike with me.

My friend and I were discussing on the phone the other day, all I can do is take each day as it comes, but I know that the borrowed time won’t go on indefinitely/ When I can no longer go on sustaining myself while being able to hide from the world, I will not be able to carry on and I’m not going to put myself through any further trauma and stress to try anything else. i do not have a future and I’m not scared of death or nothingness.

For now, I just wish the school holidays were over, because I can’t stand children.

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