I wish the holidays were over already, but the time is dragging on and there’s still another full week to go before the school holidays end. Due to my fear of encountering kids and teenagers, I’m restricted to only being able to go out extremely early in the morning. I feel like a part-time prisoner and it’s frustrating because I want to be able to ride my bikes whenever I feel up to it, not just during the wee hours of the morning when it’s still dark.
When I do go out on my bike, I’m not even sure if the exercise is actually benefiting me at all, because my anxiety severely reduces my stamina and I end up feeling nauseous, rather than invigorated. Whenever I go out, I’m extremely anxious and hyper-vigilant, which causes a lot of adrenaline pumping through my veins. It’s not the exercise that wears me out, it’s the anxiety. The only thing that seems to lessen the anxiety is alcohol, but what’s the point of drinking just to exercise, when surely one cancels out the other.
I went for a completely pointless bike ride in the dark around Grantham earlier and sat at the station platform with my Starbucks coffee (the train station contains the only Starbucks in Grantham). I had hoped to video a high speed train zooming through the station, but the only 2 trains I saw stopped at the station. I made friends with a cat though and I spent some time petting her.
I wish I could still talk to my former therapist, as I’m dealing with a lot of shit, including the feelings of inferiority and envy towards my 2 younger half brothers, other ghosts from the past and the loneliness of the present. It’s obvious that I’m not going to find any help or support in time and I can’t talk to my mum about any of this, nor do I want to depend on her as she’s 68 years old and I’ve caused her enough stress in the past.