Dyspraxia + anxiety + the ‘trans curse’ = embarrassment

I hate Friday nights and weekends, but at least the school holidays are coming to an end on Monday, so I can try to resume my usual ‘going out’ routine when it isn’t dark or extremely early in the morning.

I did go out once today, as I had to pick up a vacuum cleaner that I’d agreed to buy on Facebook Marketplace for £20.  Of course, I had to warn her in advance that I’m a freak (transgender) as I have done with every random person I’ve met from the internet, but each time, they tell me that I shouldn’t even feel the need to say anything about it in the first place.  It wasn’t the trans curse that embarrassed the shit out of me, but my seemingly ever-worsening dyspraxia.  I struggled to get the vacuum cleaner into the crate that I’d strapped (badly) to the back of my folding bike.  The whole lot fell over twice and I must’ve been fumbling around in the freezing cold forever trying to secure it.  The lady and her husband even came out to see if I needed any help, but I’d already managed to do it by then.  It took me a long time to cycle home one handed and I gashed my leg somehow in the process and didn’t notice that I’d been bleeding until I got home.

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The vacuum cleaner works really well though, much better than the one my mum had let let me borrow.

Prior to that, I went into the Weatherspoon’s pub and ordered 2 double whiskeys with diet coke.  The alcohol at least lessened my anxiety and made me more immune to the cold, but now I feel rather shitty because I’ve been drinking on and off for most of the day.  I felt really anxious in the pub and I noticed at least 2 people staring at me.  I ordered my drinks from the app at my table, so at least I didn’t have to talk to anyone.  I drank the last one quickly as I didn’t want to stay any longer than that, especially as it’s Friday night and the place was bound to get even busier.

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I agreed to buy a fish tank tomorrow from another person on Facebook Marketplace.  Again, I had to warn her about the trans curse, but she didn’t have an issue with it.  She offered to deliver it tomorrow, even though that’s quite a drive from where she lives.  Since I can’t have a cat, I’ve decided to get fish.  I used to love keeping fish when I was a kid and this is another childhood hobby / distraction of mine that I’m revisiting now as an adult in physical age only.  I’m too scared of the world outside to deal with it, so the more I can immerse myself in my own world, the better it will be for my sanity.  Mt borrowed time will expire sooner or later though, although it looks like I’ve got another month’s reprieve.

I have an appointment with my GP on Monday as I was contacted through their new confusing-ass online ‘talk to a GP’ system.  I hope she refers me to the right place this time so that I can finally get an autism assessment and hopefully the right help that I’ve needed since I was a child.

It’s been over a week now since I stopped talking Duloxetine and Citalopram.  I’m still getting brain zaps and I’m sleeping very poorly, but the withdrawal hasn’t been as bad as other medications in the past that I had to taper off gradually.  I’m honestly scared to try anything else, especially drugs in the SSRI family.  I’m terrified of gaining weight and since July, I’ve gained over 15 lbs.  I’m so worried about being fat that I’ve bought appetite suppressant pills on Amazon to try to at least help me cut down on snacking and stress eating.  I don’t expect the pills themselves to cause weight loss, but if they reduce my cravings then they’re worth it.

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