It’s actually harder to go out here than it was in Rochester at weekends, as much as I hate to admit that. There seems to be a higher percentage of families with children living here and these are the last people I want to have to deal with when I go outside. I’m an introvert, but being stuck indoors with my mind tormenting me is very, very bad.
I did go out yesterday for 2 hours, but only because I had to meet my mum and my uncle at a nearby pub, which I chose because I figured it’d be the most childfree place to meet up. Socializing with them was very difficult though, as I wasn’t feeling up to it. My uncle did most of the talking anyway, so I really didn’t have to say much…I just sat there feeling sad and hopeless. My depression and anxiety just seem to be getting worse and worse, despite the fact that I do all I can to avoid triggers and trigger situations (people). I think it’s largely due to the UK-based ghosts pertaining to my childhood and upbringing creeping up on me and dragging me down further and further. As much as I love my mother, being around her seems to make the ghosts more powerful. I have no one to talk to about this at all, which is very bad indeed.
I leave in a few weeks. I’m not going to tell you where I’m going, because I’m not planning on coming back. I don’t belong in this world, society has flat-out rejected me and has banished me to the proverbial scrapheap, usually reserved for single and lonely people older than I am. There isn’t a part of me that wants to be here either and the only reason I’m still here is because I’m a coward, but that has to end next month. I can’t live or function in this complicated world as I don’t possess the required attributes. I’m not smart, competitive, good looking or even that young anymore. I don’t like the way the world is going, particularly here n the UK (Brexit) and in the US, where I spent most of my adult life. I hope and pray that it will all be over soon, at least for me. I don’t give a shit what happens to the human race after I’m gone.
I wish I felt safe to go out, but I’m too hideous looking and I’m too afraid of children and families with children, plus I resent them for living the kind of life that I was denied from day one. This awful, wretched envy inside me is another reason why I need to die. It is becoming increasingly toxic and is turning me into a very hateful ‘thing’.
I’m really struggling to put this all into words and I feel that I’ve rambled enough as it is. I wish I had someone to actually talk to, even if that person was a therapist paid to listen to my crap. Now all I have is a head full of pain and nowhere to go with it.
I hate hate hate hate hate weekends.