I don’t want to sound like a stuck record, but I’m really really really struggling. I had a particularly awful day yesterday, which led to one of the worst panic attacks that I’ve had in a while.
I went to see my GP after much back and forth on their email appointment system, as I wanted to switch from taking citalopram back to duloxetine. Citalopram is one of the SSRIs notorious for causing weight gain and that’s something I’m terrified of. Duloxetine wasn’t doing much for my depression and even less for my anxiety, but it’s one of the few that don’t cause weight gain. Since I feel almost forced to take some sort of medication, I’d rather go with the safety option. I’d asked to be put on Welbutrin, but my GP told me that it isn’t approved for use to treat depression and anxiety here and is generally only prescribed to help people quit smoking. Anyway,, they made me an appointment for the same day, at 3:10 pm and while I was grateful for that, it then hit me that I would encounter kids and teenagers leaving school at that time, but I (wrongly) assumed that I could avoid them. I even had to explain my fear of children to the receptionist, which was embarrassing enough,, even though she seemed understanding.
Well, I didn’t get to see the GP until 3:30 pm, which wouldn’t normally be a big deal, but I started panicking. She did agree to switch me back to duloxetine, but she had to bring up the fucking trans thing like many people do when they make the ridiculous assumption that my problems in life are attributable to the fact that I’m transgender. I actually got quite frustrated and explained to her that this is one of the reasons why I’m not getting the help and support that I need, but I’m not sure if it sunk in.
As soon as I left the surgery, there were literally kids and parents everywhere, or at least that’s what it felt like. I kept having to turn around on my bike to avoid them, but no matter where I turned, I kept encountering them..kids of all ages. Panic set in when I couldn’t figure out a safe way to get home, even avoiding Grantham town centre. My heart was pounding so loudly that I thought it was going to explode. I felt light headed and I was struggling to find the coordination to ride my bike and pedal the fuck out of there. I was on the verge of losing it when I remembered that the train station is one of the few places where you rarely see that many kids. I made it to the train station, where I sat on a bench at the end of one of the platforms and waited until I’d calmed down sufficiently, and for the nausea to pass then I went into Starbucks and sat there for almost an hour, drinking one latte and running down the clock until 5 pm, when I figured it’d be safe.
I got home and crashed, although I still couldn’t sleep, despite the debilitating panic attack. I completely embarrassed myself, when being me is embarrassing enough as it is, even when I’m not acting ‘crazy’. Kids and teenagers are so difficult to avoid here and it’s becoming a hue problem. I’m not saying I want to go back to Rochester or the US, but I didn’t have these problems there. Kids were much easier to avoid and I rarely saw teenagers at all. In fact, Rochester is in the top 10 of US metros with the lowest percentage of households with children, so that explains it. Few people understand this anxiety and will often look at me like I have six heads when I try to explain it in a way that they’ll understand. I was bullied as a kid by kids, so there’s past trauma involved. I’m on the autism spectrum, so the noise kids make causes me massive sensory overload and their noise is not easy to drown out with headphones. Kids also stare and that makes me extremely uncomfortable. Kids have no filter at all and will say whatever they want. And being around families causes me a great deal of envy, because I wish I would have been able to have what they have and be normal, rather than someone banished to the outermost fringes of society. I wish I’d have grown up in a loving and supportive family and I wish I could have been a parent myself, despite my fear of children that has got so much worse as I’ve got older.
Things are not looking good for me right now, not at all. I still cannot see any way out of this ‘borrowed time’ situation in which I’m ultimately going to end up destitute and homeless or dead by my own hands. I don’t want to depend on my mum because she’s 68 and I feel like I’ve been far too much of a burden. She doesn’t understand most of what I go through and I don’t necessarily blame her for that. She cannot handle the fact that I’m still depressed despite moving and my fear is that she will internalize it. I tried to talk to her the other day when I expressed my concerns about not being able to find a job,, but she just thinks I’m being too negative / defeatist and that the problem is my attitude, not the fact that I’m fucking unemployable, unskilled and socially inept.. I’m not a negative person and I resent that label.