TRIGGER WARNING: suicide, suicidal ideation
I’ve had a really bad few days, all things considered. My brain feels so scattered that I don’t know where to begin, but I honestly want to die. I’m tormented by the past and present and terrified of the future. My anxiety is worse than it was when I was living in Rochester, which is not what I was expecting to happen.
I know my mum worries and she’s trying to help, but she doesn’t understand the losing battle that I’m dealing with and for that reason, I can’t really talk to her. When I was over at her house last night to see the cats, her husband unintentionally triggered me when he suggested that I made friends with the guy that runs the Lithuanian cafe near my flat. I feel like he still sees me as male…perhaps both of them do. I got very defensive and I ended up having to leave early. Perhaps he didn’t mean it in the way that I thought he meant it,, but my broken brain makes it impossible for me to understand what people mean, so I assume the worst. Whenever I see either of them, they seem to want me to reassure them that I’m happy, but I can’t do that. I know it’s because they’re both worried that I’ll become a burden to them when I run out of time and money and become destitute, but my intention isn’t to go on living, so they needn’t worry about that ever happening.
I was supposed to be going to the local Citizens Advice Bureau with my mum, but I messaged her earlier to say that I don’t feel up to it. I’ve canceled on other plans that I made too, for the same reason. It’s easy to assume that I’m capable when people see that I’m able to travel to places on my own and organize hotels, train tickets and Airbnb accommodation, but I do everything online and seldom interact with people. I hit a brick wall whenever I am faced with the prospect of having to remove my earphones and actually talk to people, i.e. strangers. I can’t face people at all at the moment, not even my own mother. I can only hide like this for so long before I run out of money, then what? I have no survival instinct that will kick in, but rather facing destitution will be the straw to break the camel’s back and push me to suicide.
Leaving my flat is so completely draining, from the anticipatory anxiety beforehand to the permanent state of panic I find myself in when I’m actually out. I cannot go on like this anymore. On top of all else, I’m ridiculously lonely and I’m also dealing with chronic back pain (spinal stenosis) and I am struggling to sleep. I truly hate myself and my appearance, which is also a major factor as to why going out at all is so difficult and so draining.
I really want to die and I see no rational reason why I should stick around. My pain is not temporary, it is lifelong and incurable. I’m not going to get better, just older, uglier and even less relevant, if that’s even possible.