I’m tired of making plans and appointments, only to have to cancel every time because my anxiety gets the better of me and I find myself unable to go alone. I was meant to go to the anxiety group in Derby last week, but I cancelled on them for a third time. I’ve cancelled on the gym at the local leisure centre twice now and I’ve been unable to go to the Citizens Advice Bureau with mu mum. I just can’t face people and I have left the safety net of the advocacy, therapy and support that I was receiving at the clinic when I was still living in New York.
The truth is that I’m struggling with the same loneliness and social isolation as I was struggling with in New York, even with my mother here. My only two friends live in south / southeast England and although that isn’t far distance wise by American standards, it’s too far for them to be able to support me in any way, even if I were to ask (I’m tired of being a burden though. I’m also struggling with going out at all, because it’s extremely difficult to avoid kids and teenagers here, while in NY they were much easier to avoid, even outside of school hours.
I only have enough Lorazepam left over from NY for absolute emergencies now and I can’t get a prescription for it here at all because GP’s aren’t allowed to write prescriptions for benzos for more than 3 days. While Lorazepam may be addictive, I was mostly just using it for the times I needed to go out and speak to people and I’m totally lost without it. While I’ve gone back on Duloxetine, it’s only because it’s the only antidepressant my GP was willing to prescribe me that doesn’t cause weight gain, but it does nothing for my anxiety and little for my depression.
I’m also finding it difficult dealing with the ghosts from the past from my childhood and adolescent years and the envy of my two younger half brothers, that is regularly triggered by my mother whenever she mentions them. She mentioned them again when I went over there last night to collect a package. I think I tried to change the subject at least four times, which I’m sure she was oblivious to. It would help me a lot if she just didn’t mention them at all, but I’ve no idea how to even approach her on that, as I will just end up looking like a bitter and hateful piece of shit, which is exactly what I’ve become.
I find myself drained from doing the bare minimum in terms of going out, i,e. just shopping for groceries every 3 days or so. I’ve not been able to ride my bike anywhere near as much as I would have liked. Again, there are only 2 windows of opportunity between school hours in which for me to go out and I’m scared of cycling on the road here because drivers are more aggressive and drive faster than I’m used to on roads that are narrow.
I’m leaving in a week, although I don’t wish to disclose where I’m going at this stage. It’s a place where I feel safer and less haunted by the past is all you need to know. I’d give anything for peace from my fears and triggers in the outside world and peace from my own dark, ruminating thoughts and nightmares.