I don’t feel ‘real’ anymore

In the eyes of many, I probably appear quite high functioning, but I am anything but. While I can cook, clean and wipe my own ass, but it’s often game over as soon as I have to deal with people in the outside world. I have a leak in the ceiling of my flat and the thought of having to deal with a maintenance man coming over scares me more than not dealing with it at all and risking mold developing. This is why I can’t live alone, which is a point that I was constantly trying to make to a former friend of mine who was trying to pressure me into living in my own apartment back in Rochester. Aside from the damage caused by days of isolation, I can’t deal with the outside world without someone else there to at least speak on my behalf. Pathetic…..yes, I know.

Weekends almost always suck for me, but this weekend has been particularly bad because of my depressive state and feeling trapped. My mum and uncle came over earlier, but I wasn’t in the right frame of mind to say much and I could tell they were somewhat uncomfortable with my lack of enthusiasm. I know my uncle is also on the autism spectrum, but sometimes he can say some very triggering things, such as taking my fear of children lightheartedly or going on about a legal case that a friend of his allegedly groped women and has been convicted. As for my mum, I know she means well, but she doesn’t understand my depression or my anxiety and for that reason, even if she offers to go places with me, I wouldn’t feel any safer with her than I would if I were to go on my own. She mentioned one of my half brothers again, which also brought me down further, but all I could do was try to change the subject. I wish she wouldn’t talk to me about them as if we’re all some sort of happy family, because they want nothing to do with me and it fucking hurts.

Valentine’s Day is on Thursday and while that day screws me up every fucking year, it’s hitting me harder than ever before this year and I can’t deal with it or with the constant intrusive thoughts that I cannot stop.

I don’t want to end up homeless and I’m losing my fucking myself and my mind a little more with every passing day, I don’t even feel real anymore…this is more like an awful movie that I’m being forced to watch.

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