I have to return to Grantham later today, where I will have to face my mother at some point. I’m very disappointed in myself, as I have not been able to do much while I’ve been away over the last few days. The only human interaction I’ve had was when I went into a nearby Pizza Hut when I got here on Tuesday afternoon and even that was too much and I left after less than 30 minutes. I’ve been out on the train a few times and I’ve taken a lot of photos, but not once was I able to take off my earphones. I’ve been drinking to try to numb my anxiety, but even that hasn’t worked. I’ve spent most of the last 4 days in my hotel room feeling depressed and anxious. The times when I did go out, I could usually only manage to be out for 3-4 hours.
I went to the spot where i plan on checking out for good, but I feel that I’m no closer to finding the courage to actually go through with it. Maybe it’s still not quite the right time and maybe I need to experience another setback to truly reach that point.
I’m dreading going back home, not just because of having to face my mother, but next week is school half term, which means that going out will be impossible for me due to my fear or children and due to Grantham being a town where seemingly lots of families live in.
I am totally useless on my own and if anything, I’ve got worse. Clearly, a lot of people who tell you that life will get better (usually random strangers or people who don’t know you well enough) are talking out of their asses. There is little or no help out there and post-Brexit, things are going to get a whole lot worse. As for me, I’m just getting older, uglier and and my mental health has worsened.