I got back late yesterday evening from Edinburgh, which is where I was staying since Tuesday. The whole thing was a complete waste of time and money, as I didn’t have the guts to do what I wanted to do. I didn’t even have the guts to g out much and I spent a lot of time in my (cheap) hotel room alone. I did go into Glasgow and nearby North Berwick and took a lot of pictures that are too mediocre to share. I’m really not keen on Edinburgh, but I’ve always liked Glasgow and North Berwick was a good place to escape and get away from the crowds of morons.
I wasn’t able to enjoy myself at all, even though I tried. My anxiety didn’t stop me from going into Glasgow or North Berwick, but it sure as hell made it difficult. I got pretty depressed after a Whatsapp argument with my mum on Wednesday night and we’re still not really on speaking terms, although I’m the one that cannot face her. I drank 2 bottles of Vodka and those miniature sized wine bottles you can get at supermarkets here. This was necessary to at least numb my anxiety enough to sleep and to get through Valentine;s Day..
I spent time at a remote train station yesterday, watching the high speed trains shoot past. It felt like starting death in the face, but then I wondered if it would be instant or if I’d even be unfortunate enough to survive or be stopped by some do-gooder. I wouldn’t do it in broad daylight anyway and I only really went to that station to get away from people and eat my food and drink my cheap wine in peace.
The second leg of the train journey back was extremely stressful. The first leg from Edinburgh to York was fine, the quiet coach was indeed quiet and I was even able to take off my headphones and just listen to the sound of the train. I had to change trains at York and even though I also had reserved seats in the quiet coach, the journey was anything but quiet. Not long after I’d sat in my seat, 4 young guys sat in the table seats in front of me. They were clearly drunk and potentially threatening. They were loud and obnoxious and no one did anything about it.. I just sat in my seat, frozen and terrified, hoping that they wouldn’t notice me, because I’d have been an easy target. The train manager asked them to be quiet twice, but they didn’t listen and were joking about it, along with making sexist remarks. Fortunately, they got off at Doncaster, but they caused me a lot of stress. When I arrived in Grantham, I was having trouble unlocking my bike at the train station and this was made worse due to the fact that there were 2 teenage girls loitering on the wall nearby. One of them said something to me, but I had my headphones on and my music up at the loudest setting. I managed to remove the lock and I quickly high tailed it back to the station entrance to hitch up my suitcase and attach the lights, before I shot off back home.
I literally crashed after going to Asda to buy a few groceries. I don’t even remember falling asleep, but I woke up several times and had a very bad nightmare involving being rejected by my former stepfather (this actually happened when I was 17 and he told me he never wanted me in the first place).
All these ghosts and bad memories are absolutely plaguing me at the moment and I have no therapist to go to for help anymore. It all feels like it happened yesterday, rather than being a more distant memory when I was living in the US. A lot of my envy of other people stems from my childhood and my 2 younger half brothers being heavily favored. I fell out with a friend last night and ended up blocking her because she basically accused me of comparing myself to others, which is not something I do intentionally and I wish people would understand that. My feelings of envy and inferiority are obsessive thoughts that constantly torment me and are very easily triggered. Even though I know why I feel this way, I’ve never come close to recovery, except when I was married and living in the US and managed to put a lot of this to the back of my mind. I guess if my own life weren’t so utterly fucking shit, it would be less of an issue.
I basically wasted my time and money going to Scotland in the first place. I really don’t enjoy traveling alone or doing things alone because I’m too self-conscious and my anxiety is too bad. iEdinburgh was full of couples, families, friend and people in groups. I felt extremely out of place and lonely. Everywhere I went, I felt like such a stain on the eatth. I should have just stayed here to feel lonely and depressed at home and it wouldn’t have cost me anything aside from alcohol.
I’m sorry that this is such a negative and whiny blog entry, but I don’t have any other outlet and I’m losing my mind.