I don’t wan to be awake right now, but I am. It’s 3 am and even if I could get back to sleep, I don’t want to because I’m tired of the nightmares that have become so mentally exhausting in themselves. My depression is far worse at night, for which loneliness is largely responsible. It’s like I know the cause s of my pain, but I’m powerless to be able to do anything about them.
I still can;t face my mother, even though she has been trying to contact me on Whatsapp. The past has truly caught up with me and without any form of help or anyone to talk to, it’s only going to continue to get worse. I can’t talk to her about any of it, without her trying to gaslight me or downplay my issues because she honestly cannot handle my depression or her own guilt. I’ve been here for almost 4 months and I can honestly say that I’ve got worse in that time, but perhaps that would have also been the case had I remained in Rochester, where I was also socially isolated. But I’ve become more paranoid and more fearful of my surroundings and I’m drinking more than I have done in years.
I don’t see any way out of my situation, do you?