The toxicity of my envy (and dysphoria too)

TRIGGER WARNING: Suicide, self-harm

I have a huge problem with envy of others and I can’t control it. If it’s bad, it causes me to spiral into a depressive, self-destructive episode that can last for days. I have so many ‘envy triggers’ that I don’t even see the point in listing them all, but it happens when I see first hand someone else living the life that I was denied. Seeing other people in love, beautiful people, transgender people who’ve successfully transitioned and envy of my 2 younger half siblings are among the very worst My envy has sabotaged friendships and potential relationships and it’s why I need to sever ties with my mother. It causes the most intense and unbearable emotional pain and turmoil, as bad as my dysphoria and leads to the same suicidal ideation and desire to self-harm. Dysphoria and envy of others are two monsters I cannot control and as I’ve become increasingly socially isolated again, they’re destroying me. My envy was triggered earlier this morning by little more than a Facebook interaction that I don’t even wish to go into, but it’s left me with dread, nausea and intense sadness.

When people say “Suicidal people don’t want to end their lives, they want to end their pain”, this is only half true in my case, as I need both to happen. The only way my pain will die is if I die. No amount of medication or therapy will even so much as lessen my envy and dysphoria enough for me to he able to exist with, let alone free me from those monsters. I’ve tried hiding from the world, going so far as to even stop watching television or trying to read books, but that hasn’t worked and has just caused me to become lonlier and more isolated. Both are completely toxic, particularly envy, which has turned me into a bitter, hateful monster incapable of being happy for others because I’m so miserable and in so much pain.

While I’m sure many transgender people will perhaps at least be able to empathise with my intense dysphoria, I feel like no one understands my envy. I recently had to sever ties with a girl who might’ve been a potential friend because she didn’t understand my envy and I found that she was making it worse. She would claim to understand loneliness, yet she had a boyfriend and a supportive family (two things I’d give my right arm and leg for). But the final straw was when she repeated the same crap that many others have said to me, by accusing me of “comparing myself to others”, as if it’s that fucking simple and something that I consciously do.

I think people assume that my envy is the same as ‘normal people envy’ which usually pertains to wanting to be financially wealthy, beautiful, popular and successful with the latest gadgets and clothes that are fashionable. That kind of envy isn’t what I’m talking about and is a piss in a puddle compared to the tidal wave of envy that I’m forced to deal with and have dealt with most of my entire life. I just want to have the same kind of love and support that others take for granted and a body and face that aren’t so ugly and obviously ‘trans’ that I don’t get laughed at, discriminated against, made to feel like an outcast or pitied by people who masquerade as friends. All I want are the fundamental things in life that are necessary for any chance of happiness, so I’m sorry that this has turned me into such a monster, bitter and incapable of being happy for other people.

Please understand that I cannot control these highly obsessive thoughts and that I do not *purposely* compare myself to others. I’m finding it increasingly impossible to deal with, especially since I returned to the UK and made the mistake of spending too much time around my mother, which has send my envy into overdrive and has left me having to face all sorts of ghosts from the past. The worse my life gets, the more powerful my envy becomes and my life is only going to continue to get worse, as homelessness is on my near horizon.

I wish I could have all of my memories removed, alokg with all awareness of my hideous appearance and all of my desire to be loved and to connect with others, but that isn’t going to happen, is it? More than anything though, I wish I could’ve been normal.

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