Awful fucking day (Brexit HRT prescription problems,bike accident)

TRIGGER WARNING: Suicidal ideation

Today has been so awful that it could prove to be the day that served as the catalyst for me to finally act on the suicidal thoughts that plague me everyday. I’m too upset and too sore to write anything long, so I’ll keep it as short as possible.

I fell off my bike this morning in spectacular fashion, because people with my severity of dyspraxia and anxiety should not be riding a bike at all, especially not in when the road surfaces are wet and not when I live in a town where I feel scared of everyone and of cycling on the road here. My coordination failed me and I went flying over the handlebars as a hit the brakes. I bruised and scraped up both knees, but the left one is much worse. I also cut and bruised my hands and elbows and it hurts me to walk and do stuff with my left hand. But the worst part is that I badly damaged my phone, tore a hole in my favorite pink coat and damaged my bike. I had to walk hoe and literally fell apart as soon as I closed to front door, having made such an ass out of myself in front of the 2 men that witnessed me falling off and the countless people who saw me limping home with a damaged bike and torn up clothes.

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I tried going out later on as the letting agent never showed up to do their stupid inspection, but I struggled to walk and ended up having to cancel meeting 2 people from the anxiety group in Nottingham this evening. I don’t think I’ll be going back to that group anyway as it’s not even feasible for me to get to Nottingham regularly. I kept running into kids and teenagers, everywhere….groups of them congregating. I know they’re laughing at me and saying horrible things behind my back, even if I don’t hear most of it because I’ve got my earphones on. When you’ve been judged and made fun of for most of your life, you develop a sixth sense and know when it’s likely to happen again. I really hate this town, but I hate myself more and I hate being dyspraxic.

But the worst part of the day was the bomb being dropped on me by the chemist that there is another ;manufacturers delay’ with my HRT medication that I really fucking need and refuse to stop after taking hormones for almost 6 years. I know it’s because of that Brexit bullshit and I am both angry and extremely worried that I’m going to run out of hormones and that it’s going to be an even bigger issue after Brexit actually happens at the end of this month. Not only am I completely opposed to Brexit, but it’s going to fuck me over to the point where I’m going to just give up (and yes, I fucking mean it and no, this isn’t attention seeking or a cry for help).

I’m at my wit’s end with everything here….yet again I’ve put myself in another bad situation, only this one is really bad and there is no way out of it. I have to remember though that I didn’t return to the UK to give life another chance, I came here to end my life. If I can’t get my hormones then it’s over as far as I’m concerned. I’m not going to put myself through stopping HRT on top of eveytbing else I’m struggling to deal with on my own

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