I don’t find the subject of envy particularly easy to talk about, but I have no one to discuss it with and I feel no one truly understands why I feel the way that I do. It’s reached the stage where I can no longer control it, as it has turned into full-blown hatred. I am extremely ashamed of myself for having these feelings, but they are in the form of obsessive thoughts that torment me constantly throughout my loneliness and isolation in the real world.
My fear of children and teenagers and my envy of parents and families has caused me to hate them.. I have made the problem worse by moving to Grantham; a small town that is largely populated by families with children, where they are almost impossible to avoid. Even if I were to stay in my flat, I can still hear them outside and twice a day during the week, I have to endure the noise of what seems like hundreds of them marching to and from school, as there are 2 schools within spitting distance of my flat. What also didn’t help was connecting with ‘childfree; people on online communities, as they fueled my hatred further by validating how I’ve always felt about many parents. Many of them hate kids and parents too, but for different reasons. They never wanted a family themselves, so it was a lifestyle choice for them, rather than something that was forced on them through bad genetics and poor mental health.
I lashed out at a mom here on WordPress yesterday because I saw her post under the ‘loneliness; tag and this upset and triggered me. I couldn’t understand why someone who has everything I’ve always wanted and then some could possibly complain about being lonely. I saw her as someone only interested in ‘mom friends’ and someone who reminded me of people here in Grantham, so I lashed out. I know it was wrong, but I’m so utterly sick off the constant reminders of what I’m missing out on that I couldn’t stop myself. I’m ashamed of it, but I am struggling to really feel any remorse as I cannot see past my own pain..
I hate my life and I hate who I’ve become. “Be yourself” they once said….well this isn’t me. I am a bitter and hateful monster and I feel that I can no longer control my hatred, which has been driven by a lifetime of both fear of others and envy of others. I have to get out of Grantham,, but more than that…I have to die. Even if there was an effective treatment to stop these constant obsessive and intrusive thoughts, there is no help here at all and like the other aspects of my mental illness, this is treatment resistant.. I’m never going to find a place to live where I can feel safe and be far away from children and families, because such a place doesn’t exist. I have to take my own life before my hatred escalates further, which is something I don’t even want to think about. I just have to go, because the things in life that trigger me aren’t going anywhere and it isn’t fair of me to expect them to.
I know what caused me to be this way, but I can’t fix it. The loneliness and exposure to my triggers has made it so much worse, as has seeing my mother again and being reminded of the favoritism towards my younger half siblings, which is where it all began. I don’t want to hurt or punish anyone, except for myself. I don’t want other people to be miserable and alone like I am, even though at times I do wish that people could see things from my perspective without dishing out unsolicited advice.
To anyone I’ve ever hurt or lashed out at….I’m truly sorry. Ultimately, it’s me and my own life that I hate, not you. I just need to die so that all the envy, hatred and fear can die with me.