I had a major scare last night after being verbally abused by strangers in a car here in the wonderful town of Grantham. I was cycling back from the train station to my flat after a day in London, waiting at a traffic light.. They started honking and shouting verbal abuse at me when the light changed to green and they continued to do so as they slowly drove past. Had I not been so tired and unable to think on the spot, I would have taken a picture of their car and license plate with my phone, but instead I gave them the finger out of sheer anger and frustration over being targeted for the crime of being ‘me’, which is something I hate anyway. They must’ve seen me flip them off as they stopped their car, so I made a panic u-turn and pedaled like crazy to the path along the river, where I knew they wouldn’t be able to pursue me in their shitty car. I know they tried to follow me at one point, because I heard them, but I didn’t dare look back. I made it home and had a panic attack, before I drank a shot of vodka and passed out (so much for not drinking).
If this had happened in a big city, I very much doubt that I’d ever run the risk of running into those people again, but this is a small town and I stand out here far too much for my level of comfort and safety as it is, so now I’m very worried about running into them again. This town has more than its share of shady people and 2 guys riding around this ghost town at midnight could well have been up to no good. I often do my grocery shopping after dark, because I don’t like going out during the day here.
I heard some of the abuse they were yelling at me, even with my headphones on. I don’t want to repeat it specifically, but those words validate my self-hatred and my insecurities.
I should be writing about my visit to London yesterday, but even that didn’t exactly go as planned, because my anxiety got in the way and left me feeling too burned out to endure more than the 2 hours I spent taking pictures of skyscrapers at Canary Wharf. I did get to visit J, a friend of mine that I see from time to time and her 2 cats. While J and I don’t talk or see one another often, I’ve never had any reason not to trust her and I’ve never envied her, even though she has a boyfriend, a nice house and a job. I seem to envy some people and not others and I don’t really understand why, although I think it’s J’s modesty and the fact that she’s always been a good listener, without dishing out unsolicited advice and she’s never been disingenuous.
As for London, as I said, I wish I could have handled being there for longer than I did, as I ended up having to kill 3 hours until J got out of work and was able to pick me up from Hemel Hempstead train station. I did get to see Canary Wharf for the first time in many years and it’s changed so much, to the point that I barely recognize it or the eastern side of London in general. I really can’t cope with how busy London is anymore though. I felt extremely anxious and claustrophobic on the crowded Tube trains, although the anonymity was good; not being noticeable and blending in.
I need to get out of Grantham ASAP. This shit never gets easier with ‘exposure’. It just chips away at me a little bit more and leads to more trauma on top of the mountain of trauma I’m already struck with.