I know I’ve unsuccessfully tried to quit alcohol before and have failed, but I really need to try harder this time. I haven’t had a drink for 2 days now, i.e. since Tuesday. That may not seem like a long time, but it’s an eternity to me. The final straw was when I got on the scales and saw that I’d gained a further 7 lbs and a total of 15 lbs since returning to the UK last November. Since my diet hasn’t changed and if anything I’m eating a bit less than I was in Rochester, it HAS to be the 4-5 bottles of vodka I was drinking every week. I keep a spreadsheet of my expenses and I almost had a heart attack when I saw how much my alcohol spending has been increasing drastically since December. I poured the rest of the vodka I had left down the sink. I will try not to buy any more.
The greatest struggle over the past 48 hours has been dealing with intense restlessness and obsessive / intrusive thoughts. I haven’t been out much since my 30 mile bike ride the other day, even though at least the school holidays have ended here as of Tuesday, so I have a limited window in which to go out during the day without having to encounter kids and teenagers. I am climbing the walls here, unable to numb any of the almost constant turmoil going on inside my head. Alcohol also helped numb the stress caused by sensory overload from sound whenever I;’d go out and it made me more oblivious to caring what people think or say and the horrible looks I get in this small town.
I know I would have rather waited to have left Grantham for good before attempting to quit alcohol, but it was severely impairing my judgment and I’m terrified of gaining weight, as it’ll just give me another major reason to hate this body that I already hate more than enough for being ugly and freakishly tall. Since there is no one left in my life, I’m not exposed to anyone else’s drinking, which would leave me at greater risk of relapse (the same is true of drugs and of being around people who use drugs). I am trying to detox my liver by drinking plenty of water and green tea and eating broccoli, avocados, garlic and apples. The cravings are bad though, although I’ve quit alcohol before and I hope I can do it again under much more difficult circumstances and in the sheer loneliness of this place.
I’m hardly speaking to my mum since she showed up here out of the blue last week with her husband, but she has agreed to take my fish and fish tank. Hopefully she will take my indoor plants too and the stuff that she gave me back. I have too much anxiety to deal with trying to sell / give away my furniture on Facebook Marketplace or Gumtree, so I’m most likely going to have to just leave it in my flat when I leave. I don’t care about what the letting agent, especially as they’ve never bothered to fix the leak in my bedroom ceiling that I reported back in January. I don’t have the energy to worry about what to do with my belongings on top of everything else and it really doesn’t matter anymore anyway.
I have no idea where I’m going or if I will still be around in 2 months time. I’ve been existing on borrowed time for the last 5 years and that time may be almost up. I do not see any future for myself beyond more of the same + homelessness. There is no help or support here and I absolutely cannot do this alone. Drinking helped numb the pain, but I’m too afraid of weight gain to continue, If I thought drinking would kill me quickly, I’d keep doing it, but it would take years and the slow deterioration would just result in more suffering.