I have nothing and no one to live for. I’m not even living; I’m existing. I derive no joy from life whatsoever and I’m already dead to the world, i.e. invisible I see absolutely no point in carrying on and things will only get worse if I stick around much longer. I’ve missed the boat and have long since burned all of the few bridges that I once had. I am nothing but a parasite and an ugly stain on this earth. I can’t bear to see my reflection in the mirror any more or deal with the fact that I’m too ugly to ever find love.
Please don’t tell me to love myself or accept loneliness. Human beings are NOT solitary creatures and I’m sick of being told to go against the needs and desires that are ingrained in me, while I have to sit on the sidelines and watch everyone else experience the things that my ugliness and poor mental health have denied me. I’m not doing this anymore and please don’t tell me “don’t let them win”, because it’s too late for that bullshit and I hate myself too rise above it.
You have no idea how much I want to die. I want this body to be smashed into a million bloody pieces as both a “fuck you” to this world and to the pain that this body and other people’s reactions to it have caused me for as long as I can remember. Rejection, social exclusion and verbal abuse are all I know, yet random do-gooders tell me to “love myself” – fuck you. I’m sick of having to deal with the pain of loneliness and not fitting in anywhere, not even among other marginalized people.
This isn’t a cry for help; this is me being completely honest. There is no part of me that wants to carry on existing for another second and if there was a painless, guaranteed way of ending it, I would have zero hesitation in ending this shit forever.