My mum and I are talking again, although nothing has been resolved and never will be. She seems to have accepted that I’m leaving Grantham and our conversations have returned to the safety of talking about the cats. I have to accept that the issues between us cannot be fixed and that the damage from the past will never be repaired as I’ll never get the answers that I need in order to try to ‘move on’. She doesn’t believe that she;s done anything wrong and I believe she’s been able to block out a lot of her own past trauma and even her mistakes. I’m glad that I got to spend 4 days with the cats though, as it might be the last time I get to do so. I hardly even drank when I was staying at her house because the cats helped me to feel less alone.
I’ve been back at my flat since Friday and as with most weekends, this weekend has not been good. I couldn’t pay my phone yesterday because the bank had suspended my card for some reason due to fraud protection. I panicked, because this is one aspect of 21st century life that I really can’t handle. I ended up having to drink in order to numb my anxiety sufficiently to go to the local branch to get the card reactivated. I was pretty drunk and I don’t even remember all of it. I had to go into a room with one of the tellers who sorted it out, but I had to talk to a representative on the phone and even with the drinking, it still caused me massive anxiety. I remember asking them to take that fraud protection nonsense off, but I’m not sure if that registered with anyone I spoke to.
I didn’t go out again after that difficult and embarrassing experience. I had to avoid several families with kids and kids and teenagers out on their own as I walked back and my anxiety was getting the better of me at that point as the drink was wearing off. I crashed when I got home and spent the rest of the day in bed, with my music playing to drown out the noise from outside my flat. I hate to admit it, but I miss Rochester, because my pathetic existence was somewhat easier there and it was much easier to avoid the kind of people that cause me the most anxiety or envy. I miss being able to ride my bike freely, which I cannot do here unless I get on a train and go somewhere else. I feel like I can only go out really early in the morning if I want to avoid people. During the day it’s kids, at night it’s teenagers and drunk idiots rolling out of the various pubs. I wasn’t prepared for any of this.
I’m already stressing out about having to go to Peterborough tomorrow (Monday) to set up an account with the self-storage facility that I’m going to be storing my belongings in. If I were able to make a phone call, I could call them to avoid having to go down there before I actually move in on the 30th. I’m really worried about my anxiety because it will involve interacting with a stranger and going to a town that is known to be very chavvy and unfriendly, but hopefully most people will be at work or school when I get there. I’m not going to drink, but I may have to take 2 of my emergency stash of Lorazepam in order to get through it without risking bottling out or a major panic attack if anything goes wrong.
I chose a self-storage location in Peterborough because it’s not far from Grantham, but closer to London and the facility is only a mile from the train station, which is on the East Coast Mainline. Since I have no idea where I’m going to be staying in 2-3 months time, it’s important that wherever I end up, I can still access my belongings. And if I decide not to go on living, my mum won’t have far to go to retrieve my belongings and I’ll leave her detailed instructions.
I honestly don’t think I have what it takes to ultimately just survive here in the 21st century, which is one of the reasons why this is all so hopeless. I can’t do this on my own.