TRIGGER WARNING: Self harm
I had a truly awful day yesterday (Tuesday), which culminated in another major fight with my mother. Once again, she managed to upset me when I went over to her house around lunchtime. I only went because I wanted to see the cats and she said she had some vegetables from her allotment that she wanted to give me. Truth be told, I wasn’t in a good frame of mind even prior to going over there and I’d been drinking due to my anxiety about going out in Grantham. I’m even more self-conscious now that the weather is warm and I cannot cover my hideous body in clothing. I feel like people in Grantham are staring a hole in me whenever I go out and I’m sure they make horrible comments that I don’t hear because I keep my headphones on. I’ve not been this self-conscious about being transgender since my early transition days almost 6 years ago.
I went to an addiction on drop in centre prior to going to my mum’s. They couldn’t do much to help, but I just needed to talk to someone. The man I spoke to even suggested that Lincolnshire isn’t really the place for someone like me to make friends, as the natives are generally not very tolerant and there isn’t much support here. Quite a few people have actually told me that, except for my mum. Alcohol addiction isn’t my problem anyway, nor is it the cause of my problems. I wouldn’t drink at all if I weren’t in the situation I’m in now. Treating an addiction I don’t really have will do nothing to treat the underlying pain and anxiety that leads me to abuse alcohol (and other drugs in the past) in the first place.
Anyway, I walked over there fairly drunk and the first thing I noticed is that my mum quickly ushered me into the back garden, most likely because her husband didn’t want me there, as I’m sure she’s told him what a monster I am. Madge came up to me while I was outside and my mum was still in the kitchen. When my mum came out with coffee, we almost instantly started arguing about Grantham. I don’t remember exactly what she said to set me off, but it was along the lines of “You’re never liked anywhere you’ve lived” in her cold and dismissive tone of voice. She then went on to say that she knew of 2 other transgender women in Grantham and they seemed happy enough. I went into defensive mode, as I felt like she was doubting me and her claim that I’ve never liked anywhere I’ve lived is completely untrue and insulting. She still seems to be under the impression that the problem is solely me, not Grantham. I had a meltdown and told her to “fuck off”, before leaving. I can never seem to get through to her and she never makes any effort to listen’ it’s always the same gaslighting and guilt trips that don’t work on me anymore because I literally feel nothing when it comes to her.
I was still fairly drunk as I walked home as quickly as possible, but I ran into several teenagers from the local college who gave me funny looks. I was more concerned with getting home and holding back the flood of tears that would have caused me further embarrassment than just being the freak that I am, without crying in public.
I drank more when I got home and resorted to cutting again, before passing out on my bed. My arm is a mess, but that’s the least of my concerns right now. They’re just battle scars caused by the battles going on inside my head which will seemingly never be won while I’m still breathing. I can’t take this shit with my mother anymore as it invokes too many painful memories and I’m clearly never going to get the answers that I need in order to try to have any kind of relationship with her, so I give up. We clearly can’t even be in the same room together for more than a few minutes and I know that’s my fault, as I just can’t stand how cold and dismissive she is.
Fortunately, my best friend called me last night and she helped me a lot. I know she’s going through a lot of her own shit, so I was even more grateful to hear from her. It’s scary to think that I have no family, just a a few strangers that I’m biologically related to. One of my followers used the term “Family of Origin” which applies to those I’m biologically related to. The only true family I’ve ever had was my ex-wife, her brother and her mother in South Florida, all of whom I still miss.
I’ve also realised that I probably should have just stayed in Rochester and continued to try to push for supportive housing, especially as I’m dealing with a new case manager there now who seems to be more on the ball and she specialises in LGBT. I’ve realised that I’m going to be lonely and that I probably won’t fit in anywhere, so it’s best to just be as far away from my family of origin and my ‘past life’ as possible. The new care manager is still trying to push for me to get housed, so if that happens I’ll most likely return to a place that I didn’t like, but I hated it far less than here.