I went over to my mum’s yesterday evening. While it didn’t end in an argument or even get heated at any point (the wine helped), there were numerous occasions where I failed to make myself heard and understood. She kept lecturing me about the ;sacrifices’ I’d have to make when I live / stay with people again, despite the fact that I kept trying to explain that I cannot live alone and be truly independent. She kept going on about the letting agent and how I should contact them before I go, but I honestly can’t face that, which is why I’m going to just drop the flat keys through their letterbox after they close on Monday and right before I head to the train station.
My mum expects me to fail, because she kept telling me “We cant help you anymore”, even though I kept telling her and her husband that I would not be asking for their help. She kept bringing up the fact that they ‘rescued’ me from living with K when things went bad there 3 years ago,, but K and I were breaking up from a relationship at the time and I had no money. She is completely incapable of seeing the world through my eyes, as we are completely different people with different lives.
I had 3 glasses of wine last night, which my mum and her husband gave me. The wine both helped and hindered me. I did feel more at ease, but I also started blabbering and I have somewhat of a foggy hangover this morning. I know I didn’t buy the alcohol, but I’m disappointed in myself as I hadn’t drank since Tuesday prior to that. I will not drink again anyway; I bought a packet of cigarettes to use when I’m extremely anxious. At least they won’t cause weight gain or intoxication like alcohol. I would still be rather smoking weed though.
Booth my mum and her husband are of the opinion that most people are decent, that everyone has problems and that you can choose to be happy and let go of the past. Those opinions clash wildly with my own, but I guess that the more privilege you have, you’re going to see the world and people in a far more positive light. I suggested that they should both go online and take a quick privilege / intersectionality test such as the one below to prove my point:
Intersectionality Score Calculator (quick online test)
Since they’re both white, cisgender, able bodied (and neurotypical) and middle class, their intersectionality scores would be much higher than mine. At the end of the day, you can talk about ‘choice’ until you’re blue in the face, but the less privileged you are at birth, the fewer choices you have, if any at all. As for my mum, I think she’d be able to understand me better if she were to try to understand privilege and intersectionality, but she’s too set in her ways.
I told her that at the end of the day, she isn’t the cause of my problems and that she should’t worry about getting a dreaded phone call to say that I’m destitute again. Blame or not, we simply cannot live in close proximity to one another because there;s too much pain associated with her and with my past. Therapy has not been successful at helping me even come close to overcoming it all and she clearly doesn’t have the answers. She didn’t make me ugly or transgender and she didn’t give me autism. It’s not her fault that this world doesn’t accept me or that I’m unable to cope with living in it. I don’t think she’ll ever come close to being able to understand though, not even after I’ve given up on life.
I leave Grantham for good tomorrow night. I’m really nervous / scared, but I’,m also glad that I’m getting out of here after 6 long months that have left me hating children and teenagers more than I’ve done since I was that age myself. I have to try to focus on cleaning the flat today. Tomorrow I am renting a van to take whatever I can carry to my storage unit in Peterborough, which is basically just going to be my bikes, my clothes and shoes and my bedding. I wish I’d never moved here in the first place and spent so much money on letting fees and furniture that I’m unable to sell. Living alone and independently has once again proven to be an epic failure.
At least I got to say goodbye to Lily and Madge, if nothing else.