When I was young, television shows, moves and books were distractions from how shitty my life was (and still is). I could watch pretty much anything and enjoy it and I read a lot of books. But that isn’t the case now; fiction has actually become as much of a trigger as being around real people, as it causes the same intense feelings of inadequacy, loneliness, ugliness and loneliness. It’s not only depression that has robbed me of my ability to enjoy fiction, but also my sense of envy of others. I really don’t watch movies or shows anymore, apart from a few exceptions where I know there isn’t a love story or that the cast aren’t comprised of purely young, beautiful, skinny and successful people. Reading is very difficult for me these days due to chronic pain and zero attention span, but I flat out avoid books where there’s a love story involved.
American television and movies are the worst, in terms of how they make me feel. American shows and movies are full of gender stereotypes, perfect beautiful people with perfect lives who followed the ‘plan’ (high school, college, fall in love, career, get married, have kids). Most mainstream American shows and movies have cheesy love stories and there are very few unattractive American actors or actresses, to this day.. British shows and movies used to be different, but Britain has become far more Americanised since I left in 2004 and bow British shows and movies are much the same and affect me just as negatively.
There are a few exceptions, but those exceptions are becoming fewer and farther between. I can appreciate gritty movies and shows where there isn’t a love story (or at least not much of one). I like Star Trek and even though there are a few love stories, it’s seldom over the top and at least Star Trek love stories involve people of different sexual orientations I’ve seen a few independent American movies that didn’t have a love story and where I could even relate to the characters, such as Paddleton. I watch documentaries, especially if they’re issues that I care about.. I watched a British documentary recently on Netflix called 60 Days on the Streets about an ex-serviceman who slept rough in Manchester, London and Glasgow for a total of 60 days and experienced life as a homeless person.
But apart from a few notable exceptions, fiction has become another source of torment and even a trigger. It is a horrible curse to have, as I am unable to enjoy fiction anymore. It’s become one of the aspects of life that I want to escape from, rather than an escape itself. Fiction is just another reminder of what I’m missing out on, what I’ll never have and who I’ll never be. I wish I could disappear into the wilderness and just live off the grid without television, radio or contact with other human beings, especially through social media.