My time here in Falkirk is up tomorrow, so I’m going to another Airbnb. This time it’s a studio flat on the eastern side of Edinburgh. I picked it because it was cheap and because it’s likely to be a place where I won’t encounter kids and families. I’m only there for a week, then I’m going to stay at another Airbnb flat in Newcastle (north east England) for 2 weeks. After that, I’m back in Scotland as I’m staying at an Airbnb flat in Perth, for an entire month. The school summer holidays start and end much sooner in Scotland, so from mid-August, I won’t have to worry about running into loads of kids and teenagers (not that I really have so far).
This might sound like some sort of “adventure” (as my dad’s ex-wife put it), but I can assure you that it’s really no fun. It takes me a long time to adapt to new environments and it’s taken a lot of careful planning ahead, as if it were a game of chess where I have to think 3-4 moves ahead. I’m also very much at the mercy of the Airbnb system, as I no longer have a fixed address and I do not have anyone that I’d be able to stay with, not even in an emergency or for a very short term. I still have most of my belongings in storage in Peterborough and I’m going to have to go down there again at some point to swap a few clothes over and swap the huge monster size suitcase I have for one of my smaller ones.
I don’t know what I’m going to do after the end of August, when my time in Perth is up. I can’t afford to keep moving around like this for much longer. I’ve thought about looking for an Airbnb or even a squat in Belgium or the Netherlands, since if I’m still around, I want to be gone from the UK before the end of October, when no deal Brexit becomes a terrifying reality. It’s a shame, because while I’m done with England, Scotland is a much nicer, easy going and more sparsely populated country, where it’s far easier to get away from people in general The scenery alone is so beautiful that I can still appreciate it even when I’m feeling very depressed and hopeless, I’ve been drinking again, but nowhere near as much as I was drinking during the 6 months I spent in Grantham.
I’m ridiculously lonely though and I’m really struggling badly with loneliness. I feel so disconnected from the rest of humanity that I might as well not exist, except in the eyes of those who hate me or want to make my life difficult. I haven’t been able to visit the Italian embassy to look into getting an Italian passport as I planned to do. I can’t face going alone and I can’t face going anywhere near London at this time of year. I’ve lost the shred of hope that I had about getting an Italian passport anyway. It would be too many forms that I won’t be able to understand and having to deal with strangers.
I’m going to have an early night anyway, as I have to figure out how I’m going to get myself, my huge suitcase, my carry on bag and Persephone to Edinburgh tomorrow and I’m nervous about meeting the Airbnb host to collect the keys from her. Any social interaction with a stranger fills me with absolute dread.