Loneliness and isolation (I just wanted to fit in)

I’m tire of feeling so alone and I’m tired of this never-ending social isolation that has done so much harm.  I needed to fit in, somewhere and with someone, but I’m too much of a lost cause now and my ship has sailed. 

Every new person I meet ends up ghosting me, taking advantage of me or slowly distancing themselves from me, even if they managed to earn my trust/  These aren’t just regular ‘normal’ people to blame either; these are often people with at least some of the same problems that I have and they’re people who also feel marginalised by society in some way.  When you can’t even forge long-term connections with fellow outcasts, what is the point?  Normal people (or people who pass as normal) won’t want to to be seen with me, never mind connect with me in any way outside of the stupid fucking internet, which is no substitute for having actual people and actual support in life.

I’m going to have to give up, because I cannot face living in this world alone like this and I have no evidence that it will ever get better,  I’m’never going to be comfortable in my own skin or comfortable enough around others to be able to function as a productive member of society.  The intense loneliness isn’t going to go away and it’ll most likely get worse if I were to stick around, getting older, uglier and even less relevant in a world that is becoming increasingly polarised and self-absorbed.

Maybe I’d feel better about being ghosted, rejected or pushed aside if I knew they saw me as I see myself: a total lost cause.  I’m lucky if I even get a response on this blog anymore, which is why I feel like venting on here is pointless, like screaming for help from the depths of space.

People change and move on, whole I’m always the one left behind.  I really can’t deal with this anymore or the not fitting in part.  It has become so draining…so consuming.  Whoever I was once was lost a long time ago.   I want to walk away from “me” just like everyone else has.  At least they had the easy option to do so.


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