I know I’m screaming into the depths of space here. The internet has become another lonely place for me, despite once being a place of solace where I could find real connections with people. I’m now in a situation again where I have no human contact in the outside world at all; no partner, no friends or family to talk to. I know I’m to blame for some of that, but it seems to be the story of my life off the past 6 years in particular, where many people have come and gone, including members of my family.
This level of loneliness is extremely destructive. I have completely lost myself, I’m drinking again and doing anything involving going outside is becoming increasingly draining and soul destroying. Having to constantly move from one place to the next is also causing a lot of stress, as I never have the additional time I need compared to most people to adjust to new surroundings. The only voice I hear is my own and that’s the last voice I need to hear right now as my thoughts are seldom good and they all lead to one inevitable path.
It’s not as if I haven’t tried to take on more. Yesterday, I went to a mental health drop in centre in the centre of Edinburgh. The support workers I spoke to was very nice and she gave me a bunch of information that unfortunately went in one ear and out of the other. She told me I should register with an NHS clinic here in Edinburgh and gave me the details of one that doesn’t require me to have an address. She also showed me around the building and told me that I was free to come and go as I please. I had to leave though, because I was finding it all too much. I don’t feel able to go and register with that clinic today as it will involve a lot of waiting around in crowded, noisy places and I just don’t have the energy./
I’m not going to go out again like I did on Monday, because it causes me too much pain in the form of sadness and envy, sadness and envy, seeing all those couples, families and groups of friends out having fun, even if their lives behind closed doors are difficult. Even if they’re faking it, I still envy them, because that’s something I cannot do. To put it another way, even if I still had to deal with mental illness and I didn’t like myself, I would still be in a better position than I am now if I had what they had or if I was able to fake it to make it.
There are more in the way of resources here in Edinburgh, but it’s got to the stage where I don’t even have the energy or the ability to be able to access them or make use of them. I don’t even have the energy or the capacity to continue what I’m doing now, which is virtually nothing. I feel that I’m on the verge of a major breakdown and that when I fall, there won’t be anything or anyone to stop me.
The internet and the people I encounter on it aren’t helping matters. It is a piss-poor substitute for real human connection, but it’s all that people ever seem to offer these days and I’m sick to the back teeth of it. The only people telling me not to give up are random strangers on social media who have no intention of being anything more than ‘random strangers on social media’ It all seems to fake and it doesn’t help me the minute I set foot into the outside world…it’s all just words on a screen. I believe now, more so than ever that social media has played a major role in the loneliness epidemic in society and it has made us far more polarized, desensitised to tragedy and superficial, which does not bode well for someone as hideously ugly as me.
I feel so fucking lost and overwhelmed by everything and it isn’t going to get any better. In fact, it will only get worse with many weeks of summer holidays and warm sunny weather still left. Going out is all the more painful and all the more draining this time of year and it’s impossible to avoid the kind of people that I need to avoid for the sake of my declining mental health. I won’t be going out to take pictures again like I did on Monday, as it isn’t worth dealing with the pain of being outside and among so many people who make me feel like shit for days afterwards.
This really fucking sucks, for want of a better expression.