It’s just past midnight and I can’t (and won’t) sleep, after waking up from an intense nightmare. My lower back is in agony, with the pain radiating all the way down my right leg. I’m extremely anxious because I have to leave later today, to another Airbnb near Newcastle, in north east England, where I’ll be staying for 2 long weeks This constant moving is getting really tiring due to the immense stress that it’s causing.
You’d think that after the number of times I’ve failed to spot people’s hidden agenda’s until it’s too late that I’d be wise to it by now, especially given the walls that I put up add my refusal to trust anyone. But no, I’m a sucker for punishment and clearly it’s because people see me as weak and therefore, easy to manipulate. Whether it’s fake / temporsry friends, saviors who masquerade as friends, exes who won’t leave me alone, people who ghost me or even my own mother, I’m easily fooled.
The Airbnb hist got me to open up to her yesterday morning, which isn’t something I usually do outside of this blog that no one reads. I genuinely thought she cared and understood , as she said that I’m actually not bitter, just someone struggling with extreme loneliness with a lot of love to give. Few people understand my envy or want to listen without passing judgment, but she did and she seemed to understand that it’s not that I want to take anything away from anyone, but rather that I want to experience some of the things they experience themselves.
I talked to her for over an hour, but she had to go out and as I got Persephone back from the bike repair shop, I cycled to Portobello Beach, then onto Leith, then back again. I didn’t stick around long, especially in Portobello, where there were loads of families with children. I took a lot of pictures, but I’m not going to share them here, as there’s no point and such nonsense deflects from the message I want to be heard. My photos are shit anyway and it’s a pointless hobby.
Late in the evening, the host knocked on my door and said “You’re a loving person, you’re one of us”. I didn’t know what that meant, until she told me she was a Jehovah’s Witness. She kept trying to convince me to go to some gathering this weekend, but I tried to politely tell her that I wasn’t interested. I feel that she may have been trying to coerce me into joining all along, hence the strange concern for my welfare and telling me that I’m loved. I’m sure her intentions came from a good place, but I feel like I’ve been fooled, again.
It’s not just the homelessness thing that is getting me down at the moment, but the sheer loneliness of all of this. This is worse than the time I was living in a motel in Rochester for 4 months, when I was also socially isolated with no friends At least there I had a therapist and a case manager on my side, so I didn’t have to face the world alone. I’ve given up hope of being able to move back to Rochester, as I have not heard from my therapist or case manager there in a long time, so just as with here, I have nowhere to go there either.
I have absolutely nothing and no one here in the UK I cut off contact with K (my ex) because I realised that she hadn’t changed and was just using me. My 2 friends in the UK have drifted away, which is what always happens and why adult friendships never last for me. I don’t talk to my mum anymore and I don’t want to, but I have no family in the UK at all, just a few relatives who have long since given up on me or never wanted to know me in the first place. The person I liked who I met in the Netherlands has ghosted me, after I also opened up to him and shared this blog and my innermost secrets.
I would honestly rather be used for sex by random men than to be fooled and duped by people with hidden agendas or by people telling me they’re my friend, when they really aren’t. I don’t like sex, but at least being used for sex would make me feel at least a little bit human for a short time, rather than some kind of weak pity case or gullible fool.
All I get are random people on the internet telling me complete fucking nonsense such as “you are not alone”, “it will get better” or “you are important”. when I really just want to tell them to shove those words up their asses, to make them understand how completely invalidating those statements are.
I don’t like this world and I don’t belong here. I’m through with letting people in when all along, they have hidden agenda’s or they aren’t who they say they are. and people wonder why I don’t trust anyone.