I wasn’t planning on returning to this blog for a while. I’m tired of bearing my soul on here, as I feel like no one is listening and even if they are, it’s unlikely that they understand (or care to understand). In fact, the only reason I’m here now is because I’m on my second glass of vodka and I don’t really care that I’m either screaming into the empty depths of cyberspace, or ‘entertaining’ a couple of people I can think of who could well be reading this and enjoying the fact that I’m suffering.
I still can’t believe that Madge is gone and that I’ll never see her again. She was always an outdoor cat and a free spirit, and my mum lives on a busy road where people drive like twats, so I did worry about the risk of something like this happening. I don’t know the specifics, but judging from my mum’s non-response to my question, I’m pretty sure that whatever scumbag did this ran my cat over and drove off like a piece of shit coward. It makes me hate Grantham and its people even more, after I went through 6 months of hell in that awful small town. I just miss my kind and beautiful cat and I would give anything to have her back.
Despite my depression and heavy drinking, I’ve been intentionally forcing myself to go out because I know that staying indoors with my thoughts drives me insane. There’s no comfort or solace in the outside world though; just anxiety triggers (people) and the constant reminder of who I’ll never be and what I’ll never have (people). I went into Glasgow yesterday (Thursday) and cycled all the way to Clydebank via a disused railway path. I went to the small city of Stirling on Tuesday, but I wasn’t able to visit Stirling Castle because there were too many tourists there, many of whom were families with children. I spent much of my time there sitting on the steps of a cemetery, envying the dead because I wish was dead myself. Judging by the number of flowers left at the graves, people still care about them.
In my drunken state, I sent a few ‘desperate’ emails to people saying “please help”. The lady I stayed with in 2015 in the NHS ‘host family’ scheme responded and asked me to call her, so I did. Her name is Moira and I consider her to be a mother figure to me. I felt safe when I was staying in her house and she helped me a lot. I vented to her and we vented to each other. She struggles with depression and loneliness herself, but the difference is (as she put it), she carries on because of her children and grandchildren. I don’t have children and if I were to reach her age, I wouldn’t have grandchildren either. For all their good intentions, the people who tell me I should carry on don’t understand what it’s like to have no one and nothing to live for. If I had a dime for every time I’ve heard “if it weren’t for my children….”, I’d be a a millionaire. While it was good to actually talk to another human being for the first time in over a month, it was also triggering. I don’t blame Moira for that at all though and I do understand that she’s in pain herself. I JUST DON’T HAVE ANYONE OR ANYTHING TO FUCKING LIVE FOR SO FUCK OFF.
Glass of vodka number 3….
I’ve come to the conclusion that I cannot have ‘friends’. Adult friendships are a joke and aren’t meant to be anything more than acquaintanceships. When you’re over 30, you’re meant to be coupled up and starting a family and friendships take on a different role. They’re not meant to be sources of true support, but rather just people you meet up with once in a while to have fun with, then you go home to your partner and children, who are your actual raison d’être. To paraphrase one of my favourite current artists, Lana Del Rey:
“They say that the world was built for two
Only worth living if somebody is loving you.”
While I realise that highlighting the plight of lonely, isolated people wasn’t Lana Del Rey’s goal, I do feel that society is heavily geared towards couples and families and if you’re not in that category, you’re an outcast. I know there are people who are perfectly happy this way and have even chose this as a ‘lifestyle’, but I am not one of those people and never will be. Human beings are a social species and we are not meant to be ‘lone wolves’. I’m sick and tired of being told to love myself or that I need to accept this, when to me, it’s like being told to accept going without food when I’m hungry. I’m sure that being single and childless is great when you’re a professional and you’ve made a choice to be that way, but this is hell for me and I feel like no one understands.
I have a lot of dark, intrusive thoughts and I can’t even begin to go into detail, because those thoughts are almost as ugly and wrong as I am. It’s reached the point where I need to go not only to end my pain, but to prevent me from hurting anyone else in the future. I don’t belong here and I’m not wanted here. If I stay, the only future I’m assured of is that I’ll end up like that poor old lady I met when I was sectioned in the psychiatric ward in Edinburgh 3 weeks ago, talking to myself and crazy.
Glass of vodka number 4 and I’m done writing…..
Vodka number 5…..
Tick fucking tock.
Unlike me, Scotland is beautiful and it would be better off independent form the post-Brexit United Kingdom.