TRIGGER WARNING: all of it
I s’snapped’ yesterday on Twitter, lashing out at dozens of people, many of whom were on my side. I sad some awful things and even some disturbing things that I am not proud of. I deleted the worst Tweets this morning. I went as far as to say that I hoped that a no deal Brexit would kill off many children and families. I am slowly losing control of the anger and hated inside me and I’m scared. I’m not a violent person and I actually hate violence, but this hatred inside me is getting too much to cope with and the dark, intrusive thoughts are screaming louder than ever.
I know what caused it to get to this stage: envy of others, fear of others and chronic loneliness and isolation. I’ve ended up hating those who have what I don’t have, those who make me scared and those who have deceived me or abandoned me. I’m actually afraid to go into detail, but I do get thoughts of hurting people who I no longer see as human beings, but as the cause of my pain, anxiety and loneliness. I hate the society I live in for the fact that I’m alone and marginalised, without anyone to turn to or anyone who has my back.
While I know what caused these ugly thoughts and feelings I have no idea how to stop them, or stop them from getting any worse. For now,, it’s limited to outbursts on social media, but I’m scared that I’m going to lose further control and potentially hurt someone. Granted, for me to get to that stage, it wouldn’t be someone ‘innocent’ as it would most likely be triggered by someone stupid enough to harass me in public, but it would not end well for me, whatever the outcome might be..
I feel very guilty for the fact that I’ve found myself empathising with mass shooters lately and not so much the real victims, even though I know that this is very wrong. There are so few people on this earth that I identity with that I guess I don’t get to be picky, but I’m very disturbed by this. I get why some of them just finally ‘snapped’ and did what they did, even if I could never condone it. When I read about them, I find myself identifying with their sense of total loneliness and feeling like no one gives a shit and not having a voice. I feel the same anger and rage towards society, even though I know that most people are not deserving of this.
I’m trying to control it and I will try to keep off social media, as it seems to be making it worse, especially when I get attacked by a group of people. But I feel it whenever I go out…the fear of others and the burning sense of envy. I try to look down on the ground and only go out during the least busy times, but it’s almost impossible to avoid my triggers, especially during this time of year (the summer holiday period).
The song ‘Paint It Black’ by The Rolling Stones keeps playing in my head.
@I look inside myself and see my heart is black
I see my red door I must have it painted black
Maybe then I’ll fade away and not have to face the facts
It’s not easy facin’ up, when your whole world is black”
Up until fairly recently, I always maintained that my envy was such that I just wanted to experience the things that most people have, not have those things taken away from them. I’m not so sure anymore, because the envy has turned into a hatred that clouds my morality. I know it’s wrong to have these thoughts, but I can’t stop them. I’m a monster, but I did have a lot of help becoming this way, from years of being bullied, excluded, rejected and conned by people.
I need to either die, or find a way to spend the rest of my life in the wilderness, far removed from society and the triggers that are sending me down a very slippery slope. I would even be willing to be institutionalised, if I could be drugged up and not exposed to other people. I would have stayed in the psychiatric ward in Edinburgh, but I found myself feeling burning envy towards a young guy and a girl who spent all day talking to one another. For some reason, it ate away at me and I envied them so much. I also came across an elderly woman who was quite literally crazy, most likely from years of loneliness and isolation. I saw her as my future and it terrified me.
I’m very angry at the world and I mean, VERY angry. I know that the hate I feel towards others is just an extension of my own self-hatred, but knowing that doesn’t help me when I’m faced with my triggers. Perhaps some of what I feel is justified and somewhat valid, but all that goes out of the window if these urges get the better of me one day.
I know I’m taking a risk by putting this out there, but I have no one to talk to about this and it’s eating me alive. I’m not going to go into further detail, but it’s quite a bit worse than I’m willing to admit to on a public blog. Ultimately though, I won’t hurt anyone else and if it gets to the stage where I’m in danger of doing so, I will be forced to end my own life, although that’s ultimately what I want (to die). In the meantime, I’m going to keep destroying my liver with booze.