Add “being an arsehole” to my list of accolades

Yesterday turned out to be an extremely horrible day and I wish I’d have just stayed at the bedsit all weekend.  I can’t sleep, partly because I have that mental health assessment in a few hours that I know will turn out to be pointless, based on the current state of the NHS..

When I got to K’s house in the morning, it was obvious to me that her son was deliberately ignoring me, although I didn’t say anything to K at the time.  She went out to a doctor’s appointment and it felt extremely awkward here, although he completely avoided me.  Her friend showed up in the afternoon, but she brought a friend of hers along, which neither K or I were expecting, so it was extremely awkward having a total stranger in the house for 5 plus hours.

K triggered me with something she said (something that I don’t even want to go into) and I had to leave the room to go upstairs.  She later apologised, but the damage had already been done and I didn’t want to go back down anyway, until her friend and the complete stranger had left.  Prior to that, K’s friend had upset me anyway by telling me how “strong” and “brave” I am to have come this far,  I hate it when people say that I’m strong and brave, because nothing could be further from the truth and such comments feel like they are invalidating my struggles with doing the bare minimum of everyday life.

K’s friend and her friend left around 6 pm, but it was still awkward because K’s son was ignoring me.  I eventually told K that I wanted to go to the bedsit again because her son hates me, which is when she told me herself that he is intentionally ignoring me as he said I’m an “arsehole”.  She seemed to find that almost amusing and said that he calls everyone that, but I failed to see the humour in it.  It’s because I had a meltdown and couldn’t cope with him while she was away, but I’m sure she didn’t explain that to him, so as always, I’m the bad guy.  She’s probably fin with him hating / blaming me for something that is essentially her fault for being gone from home for so long and her mother’s fault for not returning his phone and Xbox that he left at her house, both of which he is clearly addicted to.

I thought that living here would ease my loneliness, but it hasn’t.  All it’s done is validate my fear of children and teenagers and it’s become unbearably awkward for me.

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5 Responses to Add “being an arsehole” to my list of accolades

  1. I’ve been following your posts for a few weeks about your journey. It sounds as if some hard set ideals are believed for you. As I read, two statements come to my mind over and over. The first comes from a book called, “The Four Agreements.” One of the best and most difficult to practice agreement is, “don’t take anything personally.” People don’t do anything because of you. Each human lives uniquely in their own path and they have their reasons for why they do things and how. It’s their nature, not your’s. The match and another agreement is to ‘not make assumptions’ without clarification from others about why or how they do things. We are seldom correct and we aren’t walking in their shoes, so it essentially wastes a lot of our energy and emotion. I am diagnosed and suffer with BPD and have been in therapy for 20 years so far. There were times I abandoned therapy and after my diagnosis, I knew then that I still had to find some kind of self help to occupy myself so I wouldn’t go crazy and kill myself. That’s what I struggle with the most. I used resources like libraries or looking up videos about the disorder and how to treat it. Even videos on interpersonal relations can reach us how to handle different situations in more effective ways. Medicine didn’t do anything for me but numb me. The way I thought didn’t change even though I took it.

    I felt the urge to share and I hope you find some peace in the world!

    You are important and the world needs you in it!💛

    Like

    • Sour Girl says:

      I don’t really believe in self-help books. For starters, I have trouble reading and secondly, we most likely have different perspectives. I believe that people should be held accountable for their actions and words. My circumstances are total shit, but I don’t treat others poorly. Therefore, I will not make excuses for other people. And as for medication, it’s honestly the only thing that could save me at this stage, but I’ve not found one that’s been effective.. I would take ‘numb’ over feeling way too much.

      Like

  2. ashleyleia says:

    If you’re an arsehole the at least you’d fit in with the majority of the world…

    Liked by 1 person

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