My mental health assessment yesterday went quite well. I wrote down a list of as many of my issues as I could think of and saved it on my tablet to show the mental health professional I saw. I was very nervous and struggled with a lot of the questions pertaining to trauma, but the pre-written list helped her understand my needs. She has referred me to some sort of autism diagnosis centre and to the local mental health team who will further assess my immediate needs. She said that she was very surprised that I’d never been diagnosed with autism before, but that’s been the story of my shitty life, full of endless wrong diagnoses.by mental health professionals and by people who like to pretend to be psychologists. The problem is that there is an enormous waiting list,, especially for the autism side of things. Autistic kids don’t even get the help they need, so autistic adults are pushed even further back as lower priority (I’m a lost cause, after all). K came with me to the assessment, but she wasn’t really much help. She seemed to use it as more of an opportunity to complain about my behaviour and at times, the lady conducting the assessment had to ask her to allow me to speak.
My living situation has become truly unbearable, as K’s son continues to deliberately ignore me. I know he’s only 13, but he’s old enough to know exactly what he’s doing. It hurts me, because I feel hated here and unwelcome, like a stain on the floor. My ex-wife used to use the silent treatment as a form of getting back at me, so it hurts a lot. I really don’t like kids and teenagers at all and this has definitely caused a ‘level up’ in my disliking of them. I’m very angry at K, because this is her fault for leaving him with me, when I expressed concern to her so many times that I wasn’t comfortable with looking after him while she’s away, because something was bound to go wrong and it did. It’s like I’m being punished for having a meltdown, just because I couldn’t cope with the stress he was putting me under. It’s difficult enough to deal with feeling hated or just plain unwanted when I go out, but I can’t deal with it in the place that I live, as I now have no escape from the outside world factors that are driving my mental health into the ground. Clearly, she has no intention of following up on getting him professional help, so the problem is only going to get worse as he gets older.
I’m going to stay at my mum’s for a few days next week to take care of Lily (the cat) while her and her husband are away and to get the rest of my belongings from storage so that I’m not paying £80 a month for the space anymore. I haven’t been back to Grantham or seen my mum since the beginning of June, when I left for the Netherlands. It’ll be weird being back there, but I’m looking forward to seeing Lily and getting away from K and her son, who clearly hates my guts. My mum contacted a Polish man who owns a van who said he’d move my belongings for just £80, as I wasn’t able to rent a van myself without a permanent address.
I’m going to stay at the bedsit until Thursday to avoid K’s son. On Thursday, she’s going away ‘working’ again and her son is staying with K’s mum and brother. They’re not back until next Monday, but I’ll be leaving for Grantham before they arrive, so I won’t have to see them again for a while. I’m not sure what I’m going to do or where I’m going to go after October 31st, especially if that day proves to be ‘Brexit Day’. I don’t want to live with K anymore, not just because of her son’s hatred of me, but also because she keeps triggering me with her words and she cannot seem to help it (and my brain can’t help reacting to it). While it’s good news that my autism has finally been recognised by a mental health professional and that I’ve been referred to the right place, getting help could take a very long time and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in the meantime, with very little money and no options left. In truth, the only thing keeping me going here is the cats, but I cannot stay in this hostile environment.
I broke my phone against thanks to dyspraxia,, so I’ve had to shell out £60 of money that I don’t have on a replacement second hand phone on eBay. I can’t go out without my phone as I need it for music and for directions, because I’m so prone to getting lost. I’m sick of dyspraxia and I don’t know of anyone who has dyspraxia as severe as mine. I’ve seen plenty of dyspraxia-related blogs, but they were all from people who’d learnt to live with the condition. Perhaps theirs isn’t as severe or perhaps they got the help they needed when they were young enough for it to have made a difference. I’m a lost cause though. I’m sick of breaking phones, being unable to do simple tasks with my hands and injuring or embarrassing myself.