Tag Archives: pain

The toxicity of my envy (and dysphoria too)

TRIGGER WARNING: Suicide, self-harm I have a huge problem with envy of others and I can’t control it. If it’s bad, it causes me to spiral into a depressive, self-destructive episode that can last for days. I have so many … Continue reading

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Chronic pain

Among the things I can no longer live with, chronic pain is right up there with my mental health issues, dysphoria and personal failures. I’ve had lumbar spinal stenosis since my mid 20’s, but it’s got worse and it’s got … Continue reading

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Back from a weird 24 hours in Liverpool

What was meant to be me going to Runcorn (Cheshire) to stay with K (one of my ex-girlfriends) turned into a drunken night of clubs and bars in Liverpool and staying at a cheap hotel in the city centre.  I … Continue reading

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The dreams in which I’m dying are the best I’ve ever had

I had a very vivid dream last night in which I’d died in a car crash in Canada.  Between death and leaving this wretched body,  S (my ex-wife and soulmate) was there to see me off and to make sure … Continue reading

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Hurt

I’ve cried what must be the equivalent of a lake’s worth of tears over the past few days, with no end or relief in sight. Crying doesn’t help, but I can’t help it or control it. Talking doesn’t help and … Continue reading

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She entered my dreams again

I had a very strange and upsetting dream last night involving my ex-wife.   In fact, that’s the second night in a row that she’s entered my dreams.  In the first dream, she was being evicted from her apartment and even … Continue reading

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‘Obsessive’ envy of others is making me feel extremely depressed and suicidal…

I don’t know if I have OCD or not, but I do suffer from extremely obsessive and intrusive thoughts that do not ease up without either self medicating or a drastic change in circumstances (e.g. by running away from the … Continue reading

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